2016: Growth in Being Uncomfortable

John 12:24: "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives."

It's amazing how much life can change in a year. I heard or read "A lot can happen in a year" 3 separate times in one day last year (and just saw it again today ironically enough) and I pondered what God was saying to me. In this year of being uncomfortable (My One Word for this year was "uncomfortable"), life as I knew it changed in every way imaginable. So I have to thank God for getting me through it, especially for those He sent to go along the journey with me. In short I found out I was pregnant, went back to law school with a full scholarship while working full time, and best of all, I gave birth to my angel, my prince! I never thought I could love someone else so much...I tear up thinking about him! 

But I experienced so much loss, so much death to change and grow into who I am now. I lost friendships, I saw people for who they are, and some of my dreams died. I cried so much at the hurt I felt, like there were points this year that I cried multiple times a day and I begged God and my baby to forgive me for it. I pleaded with God to understand why things happened the way they did. The events of this year forced me to take a hard look at who I was portraying myself to be, who God called me to be, who I actually was and see whether those pictures matched and make changes if they did not. I faced and owned my sins, questioned my core beliefs, and allowed God to repair the schisms that came to exist over the years.

Let's be honest. I am not married. I wasn't married to my son's father and he and I are not together. I sinned. Yes I was praying for deliverance from this and trusting God for my way of escape, but I was sinning nonetheless. God used my learning of my pregnancy to give me that escape I sought and much more. Over these last nine months I truly saw me and how I saw myself change. I had to make a choice about the direction I was going in, what I wanted out of life and where I saw myself going. For once I chose me by saying no to everyone else and everything that was not benefiting me and in choosing me/saying no, I chose my son. His growing inside me helped me to heal and purge in so many ways. I prayed to change. I had to deal with my wounds once and for all and put to bed the lies I believed so that I could cultivate an environment of love and nurturing that will allow my son to ultimately become the mighty man God desires him to be. Like the verse above, I was a seed and parts of me had to die so that new kernels — new life, in particular my son and the new me — could come from it.

I learned to view sin differently. In most churches, we are taught to cast sin down and condemn those that engage in it as long as their sin can be easily seen or known. This type of thought teaches us to look for the sin in others instead of seeing the person and thus loving them with the love of God.  What God taught me is that everything, even sin, has use and can be used by Him. In taking me to the story of Samson, I learned how Samson's sin and proclivities allowed God to use his life to kill off many of the Philistines. However, Samson's sin was not without great loss -- his eyesight and strength, and then ultimately his life. This doesn't excuse my sin of fornication, rather it helped me understand that I could not overcome it in my own strength and in my turning it, and everything, over to God, He could bless the outcome — the birth of my child and his life.  The losses and casualties I experienced were unhealthy relationships and dreams that I had allowed to become idols in my life. 

As a result I became fiercely protective, private and even more discerning so that I would not allow the judgment of others cause me to condemn the blessing God gave me in spite of my sin.  Every voice could not be listened to, every "word" given could not be received, and I had to see what God wanted me to see despite the surface presentation.  For example, a person coming with a "word" from God could claim to be doing so with the intention of condemning me — something that God has not done, and had I not been vigilant, I would allow that condemnation to fall on me and push me away from God. 

What I've learned in protecting my pregnancy and my child is that we are all multifaceted creatures, hiding behind things to disguise the real us.  It's easy to call out other people's mess; it's really uncomfortable to look in the mirror and see your own, let alone discuss it publicly. It's uncomfortable to be authentic and transparent because of the vulnerability it implies. It is uncomfortable to acknowledge we sin or what our particular sin may be. It is uncomfortable to pull scabs off old, infected wounds. We as a whole despise the judgment and the criticality of others and if we live in what we deem to be righteous ways, we pour out that judgment on others with abundance. We seek out and use whatever we can find as our bandage or the mask we hide behind. If we are religious, we start or continue Bible thumping. If we are under the pull of the ways of the world, we beg to not be judged. In my "absence", I noticed that people crave acceptance and often do whatever to get that acceptance, including missing out on what life can be if we step away from the status quo and obey God. I realized comfort and complacency cause people to stick others in categories and it's much easier to magnify the dirt of others than acknowledge how we allow our labels to make us feel elite or worse yet that we have a need for God.

Throughout this time, God stripped me and put me in a place to see what I was doing, the things I hid behind. I became more observant and sat back as God denied me the right to defend myself and instead taught me to allow Him to do the work — the defending, protecting, and covering. He taught me to rest in knowing that He allowed my pregnancy and the surrounding circumstances to create a unique and distinct opportunity for Him to be glorified in my life by showing me I could not make it to the other side without Him. In not defending myself, God taught me to rely on Him and that I no longer needed to assume that role. He guarded me and covered me.

So it is in the days since my love bug was born that I've realized an answer to a question I asked God back in 2006. I asked God why was I alive, and what was my purpose. At the time, I was in the hospital to have a kidney biopsy to determine what was wrong with me. Over all the years of things — molestation and other childhood difficulties, kidney failure and transplant, multiple relationship failures (relationships of all kinds), lost friendships, other diagnoses of illnesses — I intensively questioned my purpose and the things I believed God called me to do.  All of the failed plans that I thought He ordained — I see now that in those failures He still blessed me. This year He was calling me to a deeper level of faith and trust, because if He could use the mess that I had made of my life, if He could fix it and make it work, that it would prove to me His love, faithfulness and willingness to demonstrate His love and ability to be the same God that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob worshipped and had relationships with (although He doesn't have to prove anything). I was born to live my life the way it has gone, to get to this point and realize that I cannot live life without God steering and directing me. I cannot live this life without trusting God to protect and provide for my child and I. These things are the very essence of surrender and submitting to God, to living life for Him. I lost control in a very painful way only to give it back to God.

As a result of all of this, I have a different view of God (can't you tell?!) and a different perspective of the things that happen in our lives. I learned that it is pointless to be offended by things or have a spirit of offense towards people (often times people who themselves have been hurt) and allow your life to come to a standstill.  I learned it is better to be silent than preach at people, to instead pray for them and allow God's perfect work to manifest. Life has an uncanny way of teaching us the lessons we don't want to learn. In being uncomfortable this year I experienced things I cared less to go through. But I learned that I am not alone, that when everyone steps away, God is still there. He alone heard all my prayers and cries, saw my tears, and gave me the strength to keep pushing another day. As each month of my pregnancy passed, my faith was stretched and I was pushed to a new level of faith in God. Now that my child is here, I know that life still has much in store for me, for us and that I have much to learn. I still don't have it all figured out; I cannot tell you what tomorrow holds. But I know that God has me and my baby despite the uncomfortable situations that may come!

If you've gotten to this point, I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and trust God in the midst of your situation. Allow God to transform how you see yourself, how you see life, even your interpretation of the word of God. Ask God to grow you, stretch you, remove the blinders, show you yourself so that He can get the greatest use and glory from your life. Your story may not be like mine but I know that God is not a respecter of persons, so just as God was with me He is waiting to be there for you, if you will let Him. Don't look at death and just think of it in the physical sense. Look at death as surrender and submission, see it as an opportunity for God to produce a harvest from your life in the way He wants it. I'll be honest, being uncomfortable is as the word means. It will not feel good. It means you may hurt, you may cry, you may feel lonely, whatever your "uncomfortable" may be. It is fair game for you to experience that thing that will make you uncomfortable so that you can grow.

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The Wisdom Gained Through Difficulty

A couple of days ago I asked God why does my life have to be so hard. Not too long after that I heard back "wisdom is often gained through difficulty." My mind immediately went to my prayer as a 6, 7 or 8 year old that God would make me wise like Solomon. I remember during a family bible study saying that I wanted to be like Solomon after we read about him in the bible. If you're familiar with the story of Solomon, God asked Solomon in a dream what did he want. Rather than riches and fame, Solomon asked for the soundness of mind to rule over the children of Israel, or as we have commonly been told, wisdom and knowledge. (See 1 Kings 3, 2 Chronicles 1)

With great gifts come much responsibility. Because of his exceptional wisdom, Solomon was the most sought after man in all the world. But as I pondered the words God gave me, I was reminded of the story of the two mothers. In reading the story we think coming to a conclusion like "cut the baby in half" was an easy conclusion. Let's be real here, I'm sure Solomon had to think this was a hard thing to say to these women who had been fighting over the remaining living child. How do you say cut a living baby in half to two mothers? But it was the gift of wisdom that God gave him, nurtured over the years of yielding to the spirit's leading within him, that empowered him to say those words knowing that the true mother would be willing to live life without him versus his death. Now as I type, I also think of having to make the difficult decision to kill his brother to protect the promise of the kingdom. When Solomon's brother Adonijah took the kingdom secretly from David and Solomon was subsequently named king, Adonijah asked Bathsheba to request Abishag for Adonijah as a wife. Solomon wisely enough saw through the ploy and made the call for his brother's death.

I haven't had any situations requiring me to "cut a baby in half" or put my brother to death, but I understand that lessons learned through enduring faith and patience qualify me for the wisdom I've sought. I have learned a great deal about people through my varied experiences and as a result, I have been able to see beyond the surface and tap into God's voice for a specific situation. I definitely have moments when I regret that prayer that prayer, well both for wisdom and patience. I have heard "be careful what you pray for" ring loud and clear in my ears many times. What keeps me going now is the promised peace Jesus left us and remembering that Solomon lived in peace while he ruled. As wisdom would have it, the lesson is in knowing that the peace I have is in resting in God to see these situations through as they come to their appointed end. Another thing you and I can hold fast to is that trouble doesn't last always! So this too shall pass.

Masterpiece: Embracing All of Me

Please share with anyone you know who needs to walk in their truth regardless of those around them. Let's help some folk get free today!  Stop apologizing for being you. ❤️ Love you all...Marquita.

Sooo FYI Jazmine Sullivan's album Reality Show is thee truth. A song I love from it that gives me hope is Let it Burn, about the fire the love I will soon have with my future husband (whoever he is) will give me! But alas, my anthems from this album are Masterpiece and If You Dare. Both of these songs have encouraged me in unforeseen ways to be all of me. And just this past weekend with some of my antics I was all of me. There have been many nights that I've listened to Masterpiece on repeat and woke up beaming with joy. And this is my truth, my new reality. 

I had an amazing time at my linesister's wedding this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed my time with friends who happen to be linesisters. And I walked in my truth. My tipsy, dancing truth.

This weekend I was met with a Marquita I haven't seen in a while, the confident, social drinking Marquita that doesn't care what others think…my current version of myself doesn't care what others think anymore and I'm still very confident, but social drinking Marquita is sometimes very excited like a kid can be when all of her friends are together…and talkative😅. In the past this Marquita caused me a great deal of frustration because I often spent the days after those nights 😫 piecing together my memory of what I did and said the night before. This time I remembered everything I did. I had a great time, partying with people I loved.  And I felt no shame or remorse. Thank God for freedom.🙌🏾

In the years prior to this one, I felt such condemnation and guilt for so many of my choices. For partying, drinking on occasion and not looking like what everyone felt I should look like.  Growing up Baptist and even in my household, I felt there were things I was just destined to go to hell for and if I did those things the guilt and shame I felt would have me in my feelings for days and weeks on end…it was only until recently I was finally able to break the hold of it over my life. 

As I was heading home yesterday I had an epiphany about meeting my old self this weekend and loving her as the foundation of my new self. There are things about old Marquita that definitely came forward, but I am so very grateful for all I left behind. It's a beautiful place to see your own self as a masterpiece. To see yourself as a unique, original creation of God in all His glory IS what He wants for you. He wants you to acknowledge the greatness inside, the purpose, the passion, and the calling. He wants you to live an abundant life – as my focus scripture for this year reiterates (John 10:10). He knew all you would ever do and all you were destined to become. But He wanted you to allow Him to elevate you and your mind above it to become the you He molded and knit in your mother's womb. He knew the trials and tribulations you would face and the situations you encounter. Yet as Psalm 139:13-14 says, you are wonderful and marvelous…so why not live that way?

Sadly it took me 30 years to get here. Even sadder is the fact that many men and women never get here. They spend all of their lives in the dark, in the shame, in the condemnation and never get free. It's like I could walk naked (well I wouldn't do that but hey I could now lol).  Now I'm not advocating drunken debauchery or ratchetry, but I am saying be you...who God created you to be without shame. Remember before the serpent convinced Eve she was less without eating the forbidden fruit, she and Adam knew NO SHAME. Let's get back to that life, one off constant communion with God without pretenses and manmade fabrications of who He is, one of truth and peace and a continual flow of love in all directions.

The bible tells us to constantly renew our minds. Truthfully, I've realized that this is a constant fight, a battle to the end lest social media, society, the news and junk TV brainwash you into thinking you are not worthy or are less than deserving. But the truth is, you are a King or a Queen. You are who God created you to be…it is up to you to take the challenge to break through the lies and dispel the myths created to keep you from being your greatest self. So today, on November 23, as I near the end of this year focused on living, I am so happy to be me. I hope you find the courage to be happy to be you, too.

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Unappreciated Gifts

Until today, I never viewed being single as a gift. Sure I enjoy the fact of living alone (again finally yay!) – because I can come and go as I please without telling anyone. I can be as messy (or as clean is more like it) as I would like. I can eat whatever I want and when I want! I can pack up and catch a flight wherever whenever. If I decided to date someone, they can go home or never come to my home at all. I don't have children so I don't have to be concerned with the needs of another person. When I bring Parker up, he's the only other living being I have to care for outside of myself (he is a grumpy old man of a dog that acts like a child). So I can say that being single and childless looks great on the outside looking in. And this is how I viewed it…that I'm supposed to say it's a great thing when my feelings said otherwise.

However, I've always had a desire to be married. I've dreamed of my wedding day. I've imagined it extensively. I know the dress I want, I know what time of year and where I'd like to get married (given an agreeing husband to be), I've identified the participants, short of the groom's side. So when I believed I heard God about a time period I allowed my already overactive mind in this area to consume me. Marriage became an idol for me.

When God showed me that, I had gotten to a point in several hapless relationships that I decided I wasn't sure about it anymore. I realized I was attracting men that didn't meet up to what I said I wanted. So I took a hiatus and focused on me and what I was doing to attract the guys. At that point, my focus shifted to law school and work and ministry so I wasn't too pressed to date at all…truthfully I still don't really like to date(the whole process of getting to know some stranger bleh). 

Then something happened that I hadn't planned on. I began to focus on my dreams and healing, forgiveness and living life, and really having a great relationship with God. As I began to change and evolve I wanted to focus on gratitude and gratefulness to God for each day. I'm certain now that this is as a result of praying for deliverance from  a critical spirit and wanting to walk out this journey of focusing on embodying the way God wanted me to live with live as my focus word for this year.

I buy books any and everywhere I go. I got a book by Tony Evans – 30 days to Overcoming Emotional Strongholds – on my return from Atlanta two weeks ago and it has been truly a blessing. Today was a shift for me though. Today's readings finished out the week of focusing on overcoming the emotional strongholds related to stress. The readings culminated with the instruction to focus on gratitude and being grateful for everything we have. Of course I was happy because that's been my focus…more confirmation that I have been on the right path.  This week ended with practicals that included listening to the following sermon: http://youtu.be/hYsXqysRXig.  In it were several application points.  It wasn't a single focus on being married or single – but his words in the devotional and video collectively struck my heart majorly to the point of tears. Let me be real here. I have been spending the last 11 months with a focus on documenting reasons to be grateful. But today I realized a huge area of how I was being ungrateful.  It was hearing this scripture, "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows…" - James 1:17, referenced in the sermon today that I realized how truly ungrateful I have been at points in this season of singleness. Everything that God does is good. I didn't see my singleness as being good. In fact at points I've had thoughts and feelings that I was unworthy and undeserving for some unknown reason, or that because I was damaged as a child that I did not deserve love, or that my successes would continue to isolate me and prevent me from meeting my future spouse. In the sermon he drives home the fact that God is the Father of lights and is unchanging.  As this scripture resonated with me today, I realized that God used this period to shine the light on the darkness that was within me as a result of being molested and many other things. He has used this season to love me and teach me His love by learning so many things, among those things how to love myself so I could properly love others. I could not properly love others or receive love by looking at life in a distorted way. Immediately 1 Corinthians 7 came to mind because it's been in this season of singleness that I received this revelation and the healing necessary to receive God's love in the many ways He has sent it. In looking to God – the Light – I have learned the truth, which is that God is abundant and because God is love, love is abundant and able to manifest however God chooses it to do so.

I prayed last week that God would help me to be content in this season and He truly has answered in a big way today. I repented yesterday for how I haven't been grateful and how I have been indifferent towards God about how I felt. I recognized yesterday morning and actually before then that the feelings I allowed to linger were a demonic attack.  I've been guilty of wanting to rush things along, especially in this area and a few others, and wanting things when I want it…but who doesn't.  I have had many moments of being happy in this season but I ultimately looked past this place in life – what I feel I lacked in being single – outside of working and traveling. In anger and indifference I would ignore how I felt…which was that there was something wrong with me because I felt that I had done everything that God told me to do. I gave the desire back to Him. I immersed myself in studying and preparing to become a wife. I wholeheartedly pursued my goals and dreams. I observed and took notes in the various learning situations He has put me in. But then I got mad because it really seemed that God was not answering my prayers, in this area and in others. I would be bitter at points that all of my exes have moved on to happy relationships and that I was still alone. I have constantly questioned myself on whether or not I should just settle for someone I don't want rather than remain alone. I didn't see how I could be content or happy when I had to suffer alone through the low points and difficult times, often not having people to talk to about it especially due to my life's assignment.  I felt like I didn't have a person to lean on at any of my low points and I felt something was wrong with me, that there was still something left to be fixed.

Today the sermon helped me to see that I fell victim to a grand orchestrated attack to focus on the things I did not have versus those blessings I do have. My frustration in this season has even tempted me to give up on this desire and to just live life as I wanted since it has appeared to not be a part of God's plan for me. I was very angry; very indifferent towards God about this. Fortunately I am wise enough to ask for prayer and I am grateful now that I pressed in and decided to continue to document my gratitude, even being grateful for these feelings because it forced me into God's presence.

If you've ever been at this point, whether in your singleness or in any other area, this is where thanksgiving and gratefulness comes in. I am able to be grateful to God for all the things He has done and is doing in my life. By choosing to see this season through the lens of gratefulness, I can see the silver lining and the abundance of God's love to be seen in this season. I often have to remind myself of the prayers I have prayed up until this point. I prayed that God would heal my heart and mind totally and deliver me from everything that would potentially be something I could negatively project onto my marriage and future children as a curse. I realize now that by seeing my singleness as a curse instead of as a gift or blessing, I was not being grateful. It goes directly against everything that I stand for now so I am so grateful for the light having been shined on this today. 

I don't what's next for me, but going forward today, I will choose to embrace this season as a gift instead of rushing onward. I will savor the hugs and kisses from my nieces. I will savor sleeping alone across the middle of my bed that I haven't slept in since 2014 😅 (yesss again in less than a month!!!) . I will relish in being able to travel and to live where I want to live, listen to what I want to listen to, sleep in super late, eat however, party, or be a hermit. I will cherish this time of getting into God's presence and to His heart for me because when that time does come for me, my attention will be divided. 

Love you lots!!

Marquita

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New Chapter

If you're an avid reader like me, you look forward to the next chapter in the book you're reading. There are varying types of chapters in books.  Some chapters merely continue in on the story with no clear transition. Some chapters end with dramatic cliffhangers, giving you nothing to indicate what is coming ahead but an abrupt, jarring climax.  Some chapters set you up for the next chapter by giving you enough to infer what is going to happen, but not enough for you to put down the book. And then some chapters just fail to deliver and leave you with a what was that? Lol

Well for me, at least for the foreseeable future, my chapter in Charleston has ended. As God does to me, it's always a roll of the dice as to where He will send me next. This chapter is one of those page turners that you don't expect...the lead character gets an opportunity not expected and moves! And this morning as I made my drive, it rained. Rain is a good omen, at least for weddings.  This is a marriage of sorts, of my purpose and willingness to follow God wherever He calls me to. Rain symbolizes new beginnings and a washing away of the old to usher in the new. And I'm truly so grateful!!

The hardest people to leave were my family in Charleston. The last 2+ months God blessed my nomadic journey by living there and truly being loved. I cried as I hugged my niece and brother for the last time for the next few weeks. Yes of course I'll see them again, but it was one of those chapters that leaves the lead character permanently changed for the better. 

So I look forward to my new beginning...in less than 2 hours I'll jump feet first into it. Lesson here: be grateful and live the journey. Don't be so destination-centric that you don't live. Don't be so bent on getting where you want to go that you miss God's nudges for your growth and the call to adventure along the way. 

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All I Have To Give

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 1 John 4:4

I don't know what happened yesterday and this past weekend...but I experienced a lot...great things.  So many things that I had a semi-clear understanding of became clear.  God pressed my heart to finally reveal an area of struggle with you all and to talk about how He's delivered me.  

For many years I struggled with the concept of celibacy...of choosing to turn away from fornication.  With this being one of the biggest issues that the church faces, it's shocking that it is seldom discussed and most ministers are mum about it. Why you say, I honestly believe that many people don't really see it as a sin.  Or if they do, they don't see it as a big sin. But see here the very contradiction to that way of thought:

"I have the right to do anything," you say—but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13You say, "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both." The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

We are told to flee sexual immorality. But clearly that ain't happening anymore. With the highest numbers of children being born out of wedlock and the resulting single parent homes, people are having plenty of unmarried sex. I know because I was on waning the number. Yep people with callings and practicing ministers fall into this too.

At the point I came to terms with the assignment that God was calling me to, all I had left was a broken and tattered heart. I was single and not really sure I wanted to be and because of how I saw myself, I was not sure I was of any use to God.  1 Corinthians 7 provides a wealth of clarity on the benefit of being single and I suggest you read that to maximize your time and life in a period of singleness, but the passage above from 1 Corinthians 6 is the passage that convicted me.  I'll be honest, I've been celibate many times until I would get involved with someone, and like many in my generation, I fell into the habit of giving myself to that person, who was not my husband (clearly because I'm single) even though that person was someone who I wasn't sure I would be with forever. If I'm honest, I hoped that God would bless the relationship despite my disobedience. And sometimes God does that. It became a means of validation for me; it was a stupid lie that tricked me into believing that my giving my gift away would somehow help us to stay together. Nevermind the fact that the mole hills of problems that were budding always grew exponentially into mountains after that. My worth as a woman was measured by my ability to be able to please a man sexually or worse, to wait around for him to stop lying and become the man I saw he was supposed to become. I can't say that all people who fall into this pattern and view have the same root cause -- for me it was molestation and a need to be accepted and a desire to be loved -- but we all have been attacked by the same root spirits, perversion, lust and bondage. Perversion comes into play because the world told us and still continues to tell us that waiting to stir our passions and awaken love is played out...all the while opening the door for even worse things to come along. Lust comes along for the ride because it attacks our eyes by almost creating a hunger for the object of our affections and makes us victims to the whims of the flesh. Bondage seals the deal because we think we cannot break free, and so we have to keep doing the same things. Sex is a primary selling factor for everything from cakes and cars to the wildest of our dreams. The world promotes our compromise, our defiling of our temples. And because we buy into the lies, we cut more and more of our spiritual umbilical cord.

Now I'm not sharing this to condemn anybody. In fact, I want to help you and save you from making the same mistakes I made. If you can learn by reading my testimony, then read and get your freedom.  

So I don't really know how to start. My truth is that I'm not a virgin. I've been sexually active in the past, and my promiscuity used to be an area of shame for me. I've been involved with different people since I lost my virginity which caused me to pick up tons of baggage I didn't want or need. It's taken me years to heal and let go of the wounded-ness I've received as a result of choosing to get outside of God's will. It was like books stacked upon books, and boxes stacked upon boxes because I would go from relationship to relationship, compressing my pains and compounding it like interest on stocks. People talk about "soul ties" but they don't break it down for you. I had them. I was still caring about people who trampled on my heart and feelings, lied, manipulated and cheated on me after saying they loved me. I was bamboozled with talks of marriage and forever. I was still sticking around at times like a puppy wanting the skewed and distorted perception of love I thought I was receiving from these people. It wasn't until I started asking myself very pointed questions about why things were happening to me and what was it about me that attracted those types of people that I experienced a shift. It was at these times, often points of breaking and intentional consecration that I was able to understand what was going on in me. It was the sex, or at least the Pandora's box that opened after it, that kept me in that cycle. It was giving away my treasure to men that may have loved me in that moment and expecting them to fill a God-sized void. How foolish of me.

I remember a conversation with a former mentor; it actually has been heavy in my thoughts lately. She described our bodies as treasure boxes. Each time we got involved with someone who wasn't our husband (or for you men, your wife), that person would take and take and take, not depositing anything but their issues (transferal), until all you had left was brokenness, heart ache, and a plethora of other issues. That resonated with me last night, and it happens across the board in all relationships, but especially sexual. I ask you today, what do you have left to give? You can't love yourself properly, or anyone else for that matter, from brokenness. When I realized this, I knew it was time to change.

This was heavy on my heart last night and honestly has been a recurring press over the last few years. I started to write about this topic back in 2012 and even before then but truthfully I wasn't ready because I hadn't allowed God to pour back into me. Two songs were on my heart last night, All I Have To Give by Mali Music and Fill Me Up (sung by Casey J, Tasha Cobbs, and PlanetShakers)...and this was what I needed. All I had to give God at the beginning of this journey, several years in the making, was a broken, wounded heart. I needed God to pour back into my empty treasure box. I needed HIM to love me, to validate me, to love me, to assure me that it is okay to go against the norm, to trust His voice and words to me, His instructions and His guidance. I needed to know true love. I won't say that it's easy living this way. In fact it's hard because it is a call to surrender yet again. The wonderful thing about this though, is that I know if no one is here with me, God is here. I know that if no one sees me or loves me, God does. I know that if no one appreciates me or validates me ever again, God does.  I'm grateful for His press in this area, because I have so much clarity now. I have so much peace and it is truthfully very comforting to know that I don't have to compromise any more. Making flesh-based decisions, whether sexual or in any other manner, leads you off and onto unknown tangents that ultimately steer and take you away from God. Today, I encourage you to take a long look at yourself, especially in this area, and see if you want your life to change and be different. Trust God to fill your box again, to make you whole. He will make all things new. ❤️

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3rd Quarter Update: Live and Make Room!

Hey Y'all! This is LONG in advance lol. Bear with me. Read through to the end if you can, lol, and watch the videos if you'd like!

I really pray you are blessed.  I made a 10 minute video trying to summarize all of this...but honestly its too much and does God no justice. I know some of us quantify God's goodness, so to encourage you all, I'm sharing the miracles I've experienced these last 3 months. The short of it: God is so very good... He's great... He's amazing... He's indescribable... He's magnificent... He's better than all of that and I'm humbled every time I think of how much He loves me. For anyone to go to such great lengths across the varied areas of my life to prove His love when He doesn't have to...I'm just so grateful.  And to think I wanted to force things to happen my way, and getting my own way would be by having things happen in my timing...to think of the messes I've been in and the messes I've averted by just letting God lead is incredible.  I wanted Him to do things on my timelines how I thought it needed to happen and if He had, I don't want to think about how things would have been. I absolutely accept that when you want something done big and fabulous, let God show you up. He doesn't do anything half way.

"Live" to me now means accepting opportunities and blessings as they come.  Live means loving unconditionally and without boundaries.  Live means accepting God's love however He chooses to love you. Live means giving God the space to be just that -- God.  Live means loving people even though they aren't living as you'd like, reciprocating your love, being good friends, or even being good to themselves.  Live means sharing your testimony and paying it forward by being a blessing to someone else.  Live means not being selfish and sharing the bounty.  Live means walking in your truth and being true to you and who God created you to be. Live means letting go so you can truly receive.  Live means uprooting up the ugly, infected parts of your heart and soul so that you can truly heal and in healing, create more room in your life and heart for God's glory to be made manifest.  Living means the opposite of dying.  Live means thriving, warm red-blood flowing through you and just being the awesome person God created you to be, flaws and all.  Live means letting the diseased balloons of poor self-esteem, self-image and self-worth go to float away and embracing the truth of who you are.  Live means you stop apologizing for who you are and how you are living when you are walking in God's truth for you. Live means killing comparison and embracing joy. Live means taking calculated risks and stepping out of the boat to walk on the water in big, bold faith. Live means not letting your friends stay behind in the boat, and at least making them aware of how it feels to live beyond the walls.

So the last three months have been nothing short of beautiful...miraculous and wonderful. I've being doing Project Miracles (see this video here: https://youtu.be/uhFGkleegxY) based on the book Make Miracles in 40 Days for the last 3 months now and God has removed some of the ugliest hurts I've had in the process.  I went from being someone who was optimistic because it sounded like a good idea to someone who genuinely sees life with optimism and hope and excitement daily.  I've learned to love, made the decision to be all of me and vulnerable with the right people, and to take calculated risks because the life I see me having and living is waiting on me to choose it versus living in fear and complacency.  Since then, I've let go of a lot more dead weight and baggage. The biggest thing...I acknowledged how I felt and the secrets I kept about being molested. I finally let them go and gained peace in ways I never imagined.

After I began Project Miracles, I did Calling in the One, which came as an answered prayer (to be prepared for marriage and parenthood) during my pre-30 prayer challenge.  I completed it in 8 weeks (I got behind by a week) and in the process, I actually truly invested in myself, something I rarely do. I've gone on dates, opened up my heart to receive and I've learned to accept me as I am instead of beating myself up, including not questioning my likes/dislikes/desires. I embraced being okay  with learning all I can about marriage but enjoying my singleness. But the biggest gift in this process was receiving love however God manifests it. This process made me want to get deeper in my relationship with God. It made me crave God and want to really embody being the Virtuous Woman. One of the biggest blessings was in having a tangible surrender process through the use of my Godbox (one of our assignments) -- a place where I can release things I've been worrying about and where I can literally cast them at God's feet.

While I was doing CITO, I also began meditating regularly...and specifically focused on Love and Prosperity.  I began to brainstorm ideas of ways I could use my passions to create wealth and how I could love on me more to in turn be more loving to others. In the process, I learned the art of being present and really living in the now (I read part of that book actually, The Power of Now, and this process made it plain for me.)  It's amazing being present and actually celebrating/enjoying the people and places in your life.  Right now, I'm doing meditations on letting go and I've repaired some relationships, apologized to some people and opened myself up to receiving the right people in my life.  I cried the ugly cry many times as I realized the things I was holding on to that were keeping me from living and truly loving.  Now that I think about it, these last 3 months, and truthfully this year, were a season of purging and pruning to ready me to receive everything God has for me.

Of course I've experienced losses (but good losses!)...loss of the lies I believed about myself.  I've lost some friends and recategorized relationships.  I've lost the inhibitions I had. I've lost the insecurities and identified others that I must release. I've released the reasoning I used for not stepping up and stepping out.  I've lost the need to overthink things all the while trusting my gut and decided to accept people exactly as they are and love them anyway, whether they are an active participant in my journey or not.  I've lost the need to lie to myself (and God) about the things I ignored.

I've given myself permission to live. To love people right where they are, to speak up and speak out.  I've given myself the keys to freedom and to be me without reservations.  I decided to stop trying to control things a while back, but being controlling dies hard.  Fortunately no thing is immune to prayer.

I've read so many books I can't keep up (and I decided to complete one book a week as a new habit). I'm taking classes so I can improve myself and  execute every area of business I can think of, and I decided to stomp across the water and make a splash in major ways.  I decided to stop living behind the scenes and to shine in the lights. While I won't divulge every plan I have, I will say that I'm glad God answered my spoken prayers and unspoken thoughts.

To think, this whole process began with one word. Live.  And I'm doing that.  God is so funny!! Psalm 118:17 was a verse I confessed for  my healing...and a song by Darlene McCoy just came on my playlist that is saying this scripture. "I shall LIVE and not die."  For years I was dying y'all.  I was miserable. I was broken. I was hurting. I was willing to give up.  But I'm glad for all those years ago. All the prayers I've prayed. All the prayers God has answered and the ways He chose to answer. I am glad that I am living. I am grateful that I don't let life pass me by anymore.  I'm glad that God chose to save me in 2009, and truthfully all the other times before then so that I could live this life now.  The greatest risk I took was to trust God with everything, to surrender, and I'm glad I gave in to Him.

Lastly, so at the beginning of the final quarter of 2015, I will live in a new way: I'm moving again. I "randomly" updated my résumé on Monster and had been receiving calls about jobs and emails multiple times daily since the end of August (about a week after I began this prayer challenge) and on Friday I interviewed for a job and was selected for it the same day. If you want to know how good God is and to understand what He can do for you...think about Him increasing your salary multiple times in less than 15 months and healing you completely from years of torment because of being molested.  If God never does anything else for me, He's done enough.  He changed my mind, how I thought, how I saw myself and how I looked life and others.  Only two years ago I was defeated by the fact I had not ever received a raise at my former job...I was grasping for a plan to get out of debt so that I could sow more into others.  I also did not know why I was so afraid to love and felt incapable of loving others wholly.  I knew it was the enemy coming against me so I had to put those things on the altar for God. I also had to realize "who" I was working for -- was I working for myself, my employer or was I working for God.  I had to overcome the lie of who I allowed the devil to tell me I was. I sowed seeds with what I had: my money, time, talents, and words of encouragement to others.  Since then, God has turned my life around in all of these things...to think now that at points these things consumed me, engulfed me even, is so surreal. I was hopeless.  But God!! He spoke to me one day and began to clear away the lies.  "No more!" These things began happening when God took the blinders off my eyes and I was able to truly understand that He is a limitless God. He elevated me in every area of my life so I could go back and help lift others. These things happened because God wanted me to know I didn't have to be in control anymore, that He will take care of me as He has and does daily. I can't take credit for anything other than doing the work He led me to do and expecting Him to blow my mind.  He has truly done that...if you would have told me these things were going to happen a few years ago I would have laughed at you in disbelief and walked off.  I really can't wait to see what this last quarter has in store for me and 2016! 

So in all of this, I encourage you to live too! I encourage you to seek God for the one thing you can focus on, to allow Him to shape your year and your life through that one thing.  He has taught me to live in so many ways, and He opened my eyes to how I was not living all these years.  I was in bondage, afraid, limiting myself, and now I can say it's all God who did all of these things for me.  Your suffering is not in vain, and although God may not do for you what He's done for me, the truth is that He is not incapable of it. He can do the same, less, better, and different. There is nothing God cannot do. God is limitless. God is Love, and love is the most abundant resource in the universe. Take your every need, concern, desire and want to Him and let Him reorder your life. Don't continue in sin and settling for less than God's best for your life by thinking that your sin is too big for God to deliver you from -- I've had my share of issues, being judgmental, critical of others and myself, doubting, unbelief, fear, lying, struggled with not trusting God for my husband and choosing to do things my way, to include compromising...I had to let it go because I was losing.  Stop losing today! Stop limiting God. When you do that, you begin to make room for the overflow. Be encouraged y'all! I love you!!!

https://youtu.be/Dor43XYkKEI

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28