Bridges

Indeed, we personally had a death sentence within ourselves, so that we would not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead.  2 Corinthians 1:9

Trust. Submission. Commitment.  We often associate these words with our human relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic).  However these things, as I have learned this weekend, directly relate to our relationship with God.  These things serve as the steel beams, mortar and bricks necessary build the bridges that help us cross over the valleys in our lives.  Over this last year I have had to trust God in ways I have never done.  Moving here and starting school.  Needing to know who was for me or not.  Dealing with direct attacks from the enemy at work.  Wanting to be in a relationship, then get married and have kids.  Dealing with changes in the lives of my friends and family.  Dealing with loneliness and isolation.  Refusing to settle and to stop compromising.  Understanding God's intent for the relationships I have with others and the roles we are to play in each other's lives.  All these different valley experiences...and I have needed bridges to get over these things.  Some of these experiences required me to burn bridges too.  But this has all required me to learn to trust God in a different way.

I had a conversation with a person about trusting others.  I told him, trust is like the concept of innocent until proven guilty.  You give it until the person shows that they don't deserve it, otherwise, every little thing they do will keep you from ever truly connecting with them.  It is much like a baby; after birth, a newborn immediately trusts their mother.  Likewise, we are to immediately trust God and others.  God, however, is the only person that will not do anything to cause you to stop trusting Him.  On the other hand, it is always us--trying to control our lives, not fully submitting things to Him, and not seeking Him first, that causes us to think we cannot trust him.  And today, on the prayer call I dial into daily, she reaffirmed the same things and hit home for me.  And so in essence, I have to trust God, submit everything to Him--even those relationships, my wants, desires, dreams, and gifts--all to Him, and remain committed to His plan.

In middle school or high school, or maybe it was elementary school, I cannot remember for sure.  We had to build a bridge.  Mine was blue and made out of popsicle sticks (I was trying to make it look like steel, lol).  It was a triangular Truss bridge (sad I still remember that) lol.  In the process, I had to research bridges and how they could support different amounts of weight and forces based upon their structure.  And now, with all these things that have been going on lately, I realize that I was trying to build these bridges alone.  I have been holding onto people and things I should have completely released to God...and there were other situations I did not submit to God completely either.  While I have been avidly working towards fulfilling His will, I lacked the commitment to nurturing my personal relationship with God so things got difficult along the way because instead of seeking an intimate relationship with God for myself, I was always asking for something for myself or someone else.  So yes I was trusting Him for an answer, but I was not submitting to His way and plan.  I was still trying to control things, but not cultivating the relationship of trust directly with God.  Sadly now I realize, I was trying to use God without allowing myself to fully get to know Him...which is equal to a shallow, poorly constructed bridge that would not stand after a tornado or hurricane sized storm came through.

Even though I still do not know what the future holds in every area of my life, like when I will finally be released from New Orleans or when I will get married and have kids (so stop asking or don't ask me that! lol), I know that I trust God to build the bridges.  I will do my part and submit to His plan and remain committed to His way, doing those things He leads me to do, but differently this time.  I plan to seek Him, to delight myself in Him, to take that time necessary to sit and listen, to read and just bask in His love for us all.  If you are feeling like me, you do not have to know all the answers for yourself or for anyone else.  Just trust God.  Become friends with Him.  He wants to be an integral part of your life.  He wants you to know Him.  It is only when we get to this level of relationship that we can go through the storms and come out unscathed.  Why?  Because we will be walking with the Father the whole way and responding to His voice and direction.  Allow God to build your bridges and trust Him to walk over them into your destiny.

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD. Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

Psalm 37:4-5

And the Rooster Crowed

Then Jesus said to them, "You will all fall away because of Me this night, for it is written, 'I WILL STRIKE DOWN THE SHEPHERD, AND THE SHEEP OF THE FLOCK SHALL BE SCATTERED.'  "But after I have been raised, I will go ahead of you to Galilee."  But Peter said to Him, "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away."  Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times."  Peter said to Him, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too. Matthew 26:31-35

Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard, and a servant-girl came to him and said, "You too were with Jesus the Galilean."  But he denied it before them all, saying, "I do not know what you are talking about."  When he had gone out to the gateway, another servant-girl saw him and said to those who were there, "This man was with Jesus of Nazareth."  And again he denied it with an oath, "I do not know the man."  A little later the bystanders came up and said to Peter, "Surely you too are one of them; for even the way you talk gives you away."  Then he began to curse and swear, "I do not know the man!" And immediately a rooster crowed.  And Peter remembered the word which Jesus had said, "Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." And he went out and wept bitterly.  Matthew 26:69-75

I heard this morning to share my experience recently.  And I was reminded of these words.  About a week ago, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me I was going to do something that I thought I did not want to do.  When you hear things like this, you immediately think of the devil.  I even had a dream about it and prayed, rebuking the enemy away from me and I even tried avoiding the situation.  But over the course of the last few days, something happened within me to give me peace about my looming choice and to remind me of my own humanity--my own fallen state.

As I shared this with some of my friends, I was reminded of Paul in Romans 7 (look at verses 14 through 25)--that the things I want to do I don't do and the things I do not want to do I do.  It reminded me of my own sinful nature.  You see here I cannot blame the enemy for what happened, I had to look at myself because I chose to make a choice about something.  I chose to go forward in that direction.  And looking at this from a wider lens, I was reminded that we all have free will.  Yes temptation will come, but we ultimately have to make the choice to act on these things.  Over the last year, a change has taken place within me, involving forgiveness and much introspection...and in this process, I have truly grown, recognizing my need for God and His love more than ever.  During this time, I have fought with the age-old tactic of the enemy of using condemnation to guilt me into not talking to God after I have fallen short.  This is not a license to sin, but a key reminder of my need to cling to the Father even harder so that He can continue His work within me.  So even now, I do not feel condemned.  This experience sparked a dialogue within myself with the Father, causing me to ask question after question.  As a result, it taught me a great lesson: no matter what we do, God still loves us and like the Prodigal Son, will welcome us with open arms when we return to Him.  God loves those of us who have fallen short, those who have killed people (i.e. Moses, David, and Paul), those who were fearful (i.e. Moses, Elijah, and Timothy), those who were adulterous (i.e David), those who were liars (Joseph), and so many more things.  He used a prostitute (Rahab) and a foreigner (Ruth) to save the Jews.  He even restored Peter--doubting, boastful, denying Peter--as the foundation for the church.  And He will continue to use even me.  I am not perfect.  I have hated peopled, hurt people, and hurt myself.  I am not sinless (honestly, somebody ticks me off on a daily basis and I have told a lie or two or fifty--just joking..not really!!)  

I guess this served to remind me how much God loves me even in my weaknesses and how He is willing to go to such great lengths to show me that there is still more to this journey.  I appreciate it because just as Jesus restored Peter and he went forth to be one of the leaders of the church--God has already restored me.  This is important to those of us who minister and those who are being ministered to because it reminds us of our principal need for the Father.  And just as the rooster crowed for me, and reminded me of what had already been spoken, it saved me from myself and showed me of my need for God.

Long ago the LORD said to Israel: "I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.  Jeremiah 31:3

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?"  "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."  Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."  Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"  He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."  Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."  The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"  Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."  Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.  Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."  Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"  John 21:15-19

Don't Take It Personal

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.  Proverbs 17:22

The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?  Proverbs 18:14

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.  Proverbs 15:13

Don't Take It Personal was the debut single by Monica, way back when lol, who happens to be one of my favorite singers of all time.  Now the rest of the lyrics of this song don't relate all that much to what I am going to share here, but its the title that keeps ringing in my head lately because I realized a few days ago that I was taking things that had been happening a little too personally, to the point that my mood, demeanor and outlook all changed.

There have been so many things going on lately in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.  Consequently, these are things that I have taken personally and allowed to affect me in my heart and soul.  These things had me sad and honestly, feeling very broken.  Because the truth of the matter was that I could not fix these things myself.  Control issues surfacing again...Eeeck!!!...I guess I was still trying to fix stuff smh. I had to sit back and let God do His work.  But as I thought over the last few day how these situations had affected me this summer, I realized how personally I had taken them...they put me in a black hole so to speak.  I allowed the negativity that emitted from them to zap my strength, to hurt me, to put me in a place of unpleasantness, and cause me emotional turmoil.  I allowed disagreements, opinions, and attitudes as well as circumstances and situations to affect my energy and how I was feeling.  Finally, I heard God speaking to me repeatedly over the last few days, especially yesterday through the scriptures above on why I should stop the madness already!  LOL!!  I love that He has effortlessly stripped them off my back already and I am quickly returning to my chipper self.

I had crazy thoughts from all of these things.  Because of the relationship woes faced by some of my friends and associates, I temporarily felt I would be doomed to the single life of being alone and needed to find the nearest convent...even to the point that I thought it was best to deny myself the right to living one of my dreams of being married and a mother one day.  I allowed being here in New Orleans alone without close family or many friends to drag me down to the slums where I was having a regular pity party for myself.  I allowed the negative energy caused by the test of my faith at work to drain me to the brink of depression and I allowed other things to nearly ruin my birthday.  I allowed the struggles of others to tug on my heart so much that I would feel sad instantly from hearing of their struggles.  As I think of this now, I recognize that I was being attacked mentally, physically and spiritually by the enemy through these things.  Why and how, you ask? Because I had taken them personally and as a result, I gave him a door of opportunity to infect my mind.  Even worse, like a first time gardener, I nurtured those weeds unknowingly!

Do not get me wrong...we all go through and are comforted by God to in turn provide comfort to others.  Going through is a part of the Christian walk.  We are called to help carry and share the burdens of our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.  However, I have yet to find a place in the Bible that says we are to take these things so personally that we allow the words subsequently planted by the enemy after we open that door to throw us into a conundrum where we then doubt the promises of God for our own lives.  And that is what I was doing.  Taking everything personally, dragging myself down.  My error involved two things: not guarding my heart and not being as vigilant as I should have been over my thoughts.

So as a result, my heart was aching.  And as I took a giant leap back from others to rest and refuel these last few weeks, God has shown me many things and in turn revealed the condition I was suffering from and its source.  Taking things personally breaks our spirits.  Taking things personally basically puts us under the feet of others and causes us to be trampled by their lives and our own lives.  I also just realized it indicates a lack of complete faith and submission to God because we then try to fix these things in our own strength or we allow those seeds to take root in our own minds, causing tares in our garden.  And it isn't others that have to weed your garden--God does it with you being a willing participant!  We cannot allow what others do to us, the things those close to us are facing, the ills of the world, and the drawbacks we face personally to get us so distraught that we drawback from God or we attempt to take fixing the wrongs of life into our own hands.  We are told to place our burdens at the feet of Jesus--don't you know that it includes the burdens of others and every situation we encounter, too?  We have to leave our bitter supervisors and co-workers, unhappy family members, confused friends and in my case, loneliness, and any other issues that arise at the feet of Jesus.  We have to put on that garment of praise and remember that God will get us through this time and also get others through their tough times as long as we are trusting and resting in Him.  We cannot take things so personally that we disconnect from God.  Remember, the joy of the Lord is your strength, so if you lack joy--something that no man can take away--you lack strength!

If you would have saw me around the second and third weeks of July...you would have asked me what was wrong.  I had so much on my mind; I was dealing with stuff that wasn't even my own to deal with and as a result, I questioned myself (this is why it is key to go to God for yourself for that clarity, because while others may be able to provide insight, only God can truly reveal the truth, but that is most definitely another devotion, another day for that, lol).  But in submitting these things to God, I have gained a key to the future.  While it is much easier said than done--to not take things personally, that is--the one thing I can always do is pray for God to help me with it.  You can do the same and trust that God has you, your friends and family, and even your coworkers in the palm of His hand.  He will work it out for you!

Heaviness in the heart of man makes him stoop: but a good word makes him glad.  Proverbs 12:25

Fwd: Entrapment

"Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me, for I find protection in you alone."  Psalm 31:4 NLT

I apologize in advance is this too much information.  As I was sitting in the restroom...I go there to pray and refocus while I am at work...I heard the word 'entrapment.'  I heard it almost as a poem (it kinda makes me wish I still wrote poetry and that I could say this at a spoken word venue) of how the enemy has set and laid traps for us.

I heard it like this:

Like an officer in between the pillars at night with his radar gun and with his lights out, waiting for an unassuming speeder to catch so does the enemy lie in wait for us.

Entrapment.

Like a snake in the grass or a lion chasing a zebra or wildebeest or an ass...so does the enemy set traps to steal us away.

Entrapment.

Fear and judgmental-ism and self-righteousness and anger and worry and racism and sexism and hatred, even mere criticism are all his tools...the hate-filled words he uses to divide us, trapping us like a fisherman traps fish and crab and shrimp in his nets to feed the masses.

Entrapment.

To steal us away from our eternal home, he uses the cravings of power and greed and lust and deceitful fleshly desires to lure us like a child is lured away from their parents for candy.

Entrapment.

Much like he did Eve in the garden of Eden he taunts us with fame, wealth beyond recognition and materialistic bounty, he draws us over the plank into a sea of separation from God.

Entrapment.

Recognize the traps.

He entraps us through our own desires.  Through those late night, secret thoughts, through and under the guise of wealth-building and fame and meeting our every fantasy, he calls us away from God.  And it is usually not in one big leap, but little by little.  It is like the wrong turn when following a GPS.  Instead of turning around and getting back on track, many of us, including myself, have all tried to go it alone, ignoring the GPS's voice as she beckons to us to turn around.  We try to find our own way to the promised land and we end up lost...and some of us are lost forever.

As I thought about this in light of all the things going on in the world, I laughed.  I didn't laugh because it's funny.  I laughed because God will expose these things to us.  God will remove the blinders of how the enemy has tried to ensnare us.  So how can we recognize a trap of the enemy?

Well what I have learned so far is that if there is anything that leads you away from God and what He has spoken to you, either directly or indirectly through the Word--to the point that it has you ignoring that tug of God on your heart to call on Him--that is a trap that you may have gotten yourself captured in.  

The traps of the enemy are varied and expansive.  We must remember that while God allows the enemy to target us at times for our testing, other times we succumb to his temptation because we refuse to recognize the enemy at work in our lives through those things we desire.  I must stress that wanting wealth, desiring fame and living abundantly are NOT wrong.  But what is wrong is idolizing these things or allowing the pursuit of these things to cripple us to the point that we do not acknowledge God.  Even being set in your ways and refusing to change can indicate a trap that the enemy has caught you in.  Recognize the enemy for who he is and know that through Christ you have already overcome the enemy.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.  1 John 4:4

In Isolation, A New Creation Springs Forth

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  2 Corinthians 5:17

I read a devotion last week that mentioned caterpillars.  I laugh a little right now because it makes me think of my childhood.  I was such a outdoorsy tomboyish girl--to an extent.  I picked up caterpillars and lizards and frogs and I would proudly show them to my momma in the cup or jar that I had captured and put them in...only for her to snatch the container from me to throw it out the window of the car because she was scared of them.  Lol.  I still am fond of caterpillars because they transform into what is probably the only insect I like besides ladybugs and fireflies: butterflies.  In my elementary and middle school science classes, I was fascinated with how a common caterpillar would eat everything in sight to stockpile its energy for the metamorphosis it had to undergo in order to become its truest, most beautiful self.  And now, after the last 5 years, I understand personally how that happens.

Many of you know things about me.  You may even know intimate details of my life and my testimony.  But you don't really fully know me.  Truthfully, I did not know me until I took the leap of faith a year ago today when I arrived in New Orleans.  I left the Charleston area and South Carolina on July 28 to a puddle of tears right after I hit Summerville because I left and I could not turn back.  In this last year I have experienced a multitude of emotions and gone through plenty, things in my family, things at my job, things in my friendships, things within myself...on every front, tested, tried, and trials abound but to cause a catalyst within me.  I withdrew into myself, seeking the truth of who God called me to be, seeking who that woman was and allowing her to spring forth.  It was much like a caterpillar's cocoon.

Today's science lesson: the caterpillar's metamorphosis.  Caterpillars are the second stage of the butterfly or moth's lifecycle.  They begin as eggs, hatch into hungry larvae (caterpillars) and eat everything in sight, growing rapidly and shedding its skin to accommodate its growth.  The next stage is called a chrysalis.  In addition to being known as the pupa stage, this stage is also known as the protected stage of development.  After its adult structures and skeleton is formed, the new butterfly emerges from its protective casing to be reborn as a beautiful butterfly.  There is a wealth of knowledge here about our own transformations as Christians and specifically my own process.

From the time I went to college, then before and immediately after I had my transplant, I was eager to do God's will, seeking and searching for His plan and purpose for my life.  It was at this time that my blog was born now 4 years ago.  I studied God's word, read books, prayed, and searched for the church that I was to call home.  I was a hungry caterpillar, trying to eat all the Word I could.  During the last four years I have changed a lot and grown a lot.  I have learned so much about God and who He is.  I have went from drinking milk to eating baby food and now solid foods in this period of time, all in preparation for what I was to endure in just this first year of being in New Orleans.  I will admit that in some ways I am still in the caterpillar stage, while I know in others I have been in a chrysalis and have begun to emerge to stretch my wings.  It has been since I have come here that I have grown in leaps and bounds and I cannot take credit for any of this that has happened within me.  Yes, I still have a lot of growing to do, but I know it is a direct product of this isolation, this cocoon, that has caused me to grow like this. 

I must note two things: a cocoon is both a protected development experience and it also leaves you very vulnerable.  Most caterpillars find places that are discreet and unassuming to predators.  However, while predators may be the least of their concerns, they have nature, the elements, and other external forces--things completely outside of their control that can affect whether they survive the changes they are experiencing within the cocoon.  For me, this part of the process, surrendering to God and acknowledging that I had no control over those things external to me--people, primarily--was the most difficult.  It required me to trust the process that was happening within me, much like the caterpillar does when it becomes a chrysalis and I had to rest in knowing that when it is time for me to break forth as a new creation, that it was for the glory of God to be revealed.

No one likes to be alone.  No one likes to feel lonely.  I experienced a multitude of emotions over this last year: loneliness, worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, to name a few but that has now transformed to my complete trust in God.  Sure, I have my days when I am sad to be here like this, but I realize that this is just a period in my development and soon I will not be in this phase.  I share all this to encourage you to allow the process.  Trust the process.  I will never forget those words because I heard them one day crystal clear as I took a bath.  I was crying about the different things I was feeling but it gave me peace.  We have to trust the process.  And no, our process may not be the same as someone else.  Our process may take us hundreds of miles away from loved ones, nieces, and best friends, or it may isolate us in the same town as our family and loved ones.  But the beauty is in allowing the process to happen.  Caterpillars do not resist their transformation.  Why?  Its encoded in their DNA that when their time has arrived, they must go to the next phase.  And likewise, as Christians, it is encoded in our DNA to seek after God and do that thing that He has placed in us.  However for us we have the choice to resist and go about things our own way.  I encourage you to trust the process today and allow God to mold you into the new You.  Allow Him to shape you into the man or woman of God He has called you to be.  Resisting only prolongs the phase you are currently in and honestly, it will leave you unfulfilled and seeking natural ways to appease the longing within you.  Turn away from anything that is holding you back.  Take the next step and be transformed...your future awaits!

Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy.  Ephesians 4:24 NLT

Race Relations

For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.  For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:26-28 NASB

I have been thinking long and hard about this topic for several weeks now.  I cannot avoid it any more: this title has been in my head for at least three weeks and I just honestly did not sit down to type because truthfully I was still in a state of bewilderment at how the ugliness of our nation serves to keep us divided.  Of course, being a black woman, the exposure of the ugly, diseased wound in our nation that originates from differences in race has affected me personally.  My own brothers could easily have been Trayvon Martin or Oscar Grant (please see Fruitvale Station).  It has caused me to question having any children out of a momentary fear of the possibility of their having a future that did not involve prison or gangs or premature death.  But after much prayer, I was comforted by God's words to my heart that if I raise them as He leads me to and give them back to Him for covering and protection, worry should not be a factor for me but only my faith in Him and His assurance of their futures.

When this came to me, I thought of the origins of race.  How did different races and nationalities come to exist?  Well the only Biblical reference that remotely offers some insight is in the passage referring to the Towel of Babel, when the tongues of men were confounded after they all conspired together to build a tower (Genesis 11).  It was after this point that men were no longer of one language and they became scattered across the world.  A Biblical fact that most do not acknowledge is the early reference to the Jews as the chosen race, an early indication of how race had served to separate us all.  The beauty of this is that God had a divine plan in place to remove all these things from the table so that we could all partake of His love, grace, and mercy through His Son.

Throughout history, race, color of skin, and ethnic backgrounds have been used as the premise for discrimination.  Historically speaking, throughout time, ironically, it was the Jews who endured a lot of this discrimination--slavery during the time of Moses, the Holocaust, and even now in maintaining control of their lands, followed by the peoples indigenous to all of the continents of this world at the hands of the Europeans.  Sadly enough, in every case it was the group being oppressed that was labeled as inferior, rather than the oppressor.  Even in the New Testament, we find that race was considered by Jesus, even though it was only a test of this woman's faith.  In Mark 7, verses 24-30, Jesus is approached by a Syrophoenician woman to cast a demon out of her little girl.  The text notably states that she was a Gentile.  Jesus' reply to her: He said to her, "Allow the children to be satisfied first, because it isn't right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs." (verse 27).  But because of her faith, she implored of Him yet again to deliver and heal her daughter; Jesus notes that it was because of her faith that her daughter was delivered.  However, this is not to classify Jesus Christ as racist--for Jesus was sent in the flesh to bring the Good News to the Jews first.  It was later through a Jewish man but a Roman citizen that the Word was later brought to the Gentiles.  If you will remember, while He was alive, Jesus even healed the servant of a Roman centurion--and better yet, the Bible states all that believed in Him were healed!  There is no further distinction of race here.  To even further support this fact, Jesus offers living waters to the Samaritan woman at the well, another 'race' that was frowned upon at the time by the Jews.  So this kills the race factor and should serve to remind us of God's love being most important.  After Jesus died, He became life for us all, regardless of race, creed, and background.

I found rest in the passage above from Paul.  Its remarkable to me how God used Paul, a known persecutor of the early Christians, to bring salvation to the Gentiles (every race that was not Jewish).  His words above reaffirm God's love for us because it was through Christ that everything that serves to separate us from one another came crumbling down.  It is the hatred, the evil inherent in humanity being born in a state of sinfulness and under the influence of the enemy, that causes us to walk in fear and to focus on our differences.  The title 'Race Relations' is honestly intended to highlight how irrelevant race really is because as Paul says--there is neither Greek nor Jew, male nor female, and slave nor free man in Christ.  God went to some great lengths to show us how much He loved us: to convert a known killer (Paul) and use him to proliferate the Good News to the entire world.  The true message of God is that He is love and He loves us infinitely for we are all one in Christ.

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body--whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free--and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 1 Corinthians 12:12-13 NIV

Scaling Walls and Climbing Fences

You have broken down all his walls; You have brought his strongholds to ruin.  Psalm 89:40

Growing up I climbed many a fence.  Yes even in my college days, I tore one of my favorite shirts climbing a fence to go sing the Sweetheart Song with some of my sorority sisters (which I am heartbroken over not being with this weekend as we celebrate our Centennial at Convention).  At any rate, the realizations I've had over the last few days make me realize how walls and fences can be both blessings and curses...in my case, a prison.

I have male friends...yep I do.  I do believe there can be platonic relationships between men and women.  I will admit though, some of them have liked me as more than a friend and the feeling was and is not mutual lol...some I have liked or dated in the past and I still keep in touch with because our relationship was able to overcome our past involvement.  I see no harm right now, being that dating has taken a back seat in my life as I continue to chase my other dreams.  However, I would be lying if I did not say that one of my heart's desires (another dream) is to be married and become a mother someday.  The reason that has had to sit in the freezer is that I wanted to devote my time, attention, and passions to juggling full-time work and part-time, demanding, life-changing law school studies.  It took so much of a back seat that I began to attract a certain caliber of males I'm not used to attracting.  These men would be successful and accomplished, or young and trying to get there but with the critical flaw of desiring everything and nothing at the same time--no true commitment.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think all attractions by men are on the soulish and spirit level, on the contrary, men being visual in nature, go after what they like when they see it.  However, some of these guys sought me out themselves...and after having a few uninteresting conversations with me, divulge their desire to not be in a serious relationship for whatever reason--distance, not being ready, commitment and trust issues--and end up wasting both my time and their own.

But I realized Monday after one of those guys sent me a less than appealing text message (another thing I'm not too fond of, having full blown detailed conversations via text message when you miss out on the tone, expression and pauses of being face to face or over the phone, sigh, woosah...but maybe I should start a blog on my dating pet peeves lol) that there was something wrong with me, there was something I was doing to draw these types of 'noncommittal' people into my space and my life experience.  I asked God to show me what it was I was doing--or not doing--to cause this conundrum upon myself.  And of course, God is faithful.  He showed me that it was in my words--things I actually was saying out of my own mouth--and that as a result, I had put up a wall.  I had been double-minded, saying I want to get married and have some kids, but then in the next breath reiterating my lack of a desire to date right now.

Walls are funny like that.  Good walls block out all the sound from the surrounding rooms and the outside.  Good walls prohibit the unwanted entry of opposing light and people.  Good walls separate you from whatever lies outside of them.  Good walls imprison you.  Good walls keep the new out and the old in.  Much like fences...and solitary confinement.

The even funnier thing about walls that God reminded me of this morning...from the time I decided to embark on forgiving others...is that walls keep everything out.  Even God.  Even love.

In my case, I felt I could not have both.  And honestly, my denial of all relationships was a blessing in my first year of law school.  My refusal to connect with anyone of the opposite sex other than surface-level (unless I already knew him) helped me.  I was able to juggle work and school effectively and learn what I needed to do to be successful, and I went on to pull up my lackluster first semester GPA and class rank to keep my grant (yay, go me!).  But see this was deeper than that.  It connected to my need to control--I thought I could control some aspect of my life lol.  It connected to the fact that I felt I was undeserving of anyone to love me because of bad past relationships, that I had done something to deserve the pain I received at someone else's hands--even my own family.  This even connected to my always doing what people thought was practical or the better choice--taking the credit-earning French class instead of following my heart and taking dance in middle school after making the cut, working a part-time job and two during high school instead of sticking it out as a flag girl/dancer and staying on the track team, or even going full steam ahead to college instead of pursuing an art career when those are things that I wanted to do.  It connected to the fact that I too had commitment issues, caused by these things.  This was even manifested in my random desire to chop all of my hair off yesterday (albeit a flyyyyy hair cut) lol after I had promised God I would no longer cut my hair and have since been growing it out for the last year and a half.   It went even deeper to the fact that when people told me that I couldn't do something, I would go to great lengths to master that thing (so I could prove them wrong) and after mastering it, I would quit and go on to whatever was next for me to conquer.  It connected to the fact that I had put time limits, stipulations, and guidelines on things...like I had to graduate college, get engaged, get married and have kids by 25 (DEFINITELY didn't happen--well if you count my goddaughter, I did have a baby ).  And even now, I felt that I had to go to law school and finish, start my career before I seriously began dating anyone.  The irony of this is that I had a conversation via text (grrr ugh gasp and die lol!!!)  with one of those guys that had approached me about this very thing--removing time limits and being open to whatever God allows.  It connected to my own need to be open-minded.  Most importantly it revealed to me yet another area I had not totally submitted to God.  The beauty of the last 12 months is that I've become this WHY? Marquita.  I ask myself why I am doing a particular thing, I ask God to show me the root and then I take that thing to God for Him to fix it.  This was a direct product of me not following my heart--following God's voice--and sacrificing me to do what other people thought was best.  I'm realizing right now that this connected to my need to people-please instead of pleasing God by using the gifts He gave me and fulfilling those passions in my heart.

Because of where I am in life, I proudly confess daily who I am, and I am so far from noncommittal its ridiculous.  I am not who the world says I am, but who I see myself to be.  And I see myself as many things.  I will be a wife and mother someday (not tomorrow smile, y'all will be the first to know outside of my family :D) because I already confess that I am.  I will be a judge because I boldly make the confession that I am one already.  I am many things now because I've said it...but this time what makes it different is that I no longer limit God and His ability to make my dreams my reality.  I've been tearing down walls for a few years now and I cannot trade who I am becoming for who I was.  I encourage you today to examine yourself and see why things in your life are going awry...I guarantee it is because you've spoken it over yourself--acquiescing to family curses and what your mom and dad or grandma said you would be--and you have not fully submitted to God...so I hope this blesses you and empowers you to submit that thing to God--well your whole life to Him!  Speak life...speak to your dreams...speak to your reality and let God show you what you can have, be, and do in this life.  Its not too late to go back to school, to meet the man or woman of your dreams; its not too late on a relationship that you felt could have been 'the one'--IF that's God's will for you, or to get out of debt, or to a better, purpose-centered, focused and driven life.  Stop saying I can't and I won't and let God use you.  Let God manifest His love for the world through you by release fear and speaking love.  Be love.  Just Be.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13