He Loves Me

Have you ever heard a word that confirms and reaffirms everything God has spoken to you and has spoken through you for what seems like the last 10 years? I got that word this morning.  Sunday night I saw the title of the sermon by TD Jakes that I wanted to watch, entitled the Odds Against Wholeness, currently available on his site through the rebroadcast, it was Sunday's sermon. I made a reminder in my phone to listen to it during work. That didn't happen. Fast forward to today, Thursday and I listened to the sermon as I was driving.

From the moment he began preaching, I knew this was God speaking to me. This sermon addressed everything I've been focusing on releasing this week. It reminded me of how essential it is to our living that we forgive, Let go, and release everything is a guy so that we can be made whole.

Over four years ago, God put a word in my spirit for forgiveness. I've been trying to write about it for years but God keeps making me start over. It wasn't that I didn't learn that lesson, it was just that in certain situations it needed to be fine-tuned. But today He put all of the pieces together that He showed me over the years.

If this is your first time reading my blog, you wouldn't know anything about me. But for my regular readers, you know that I had a difficult childhood. From being accused of things I didn't do, a lack of affection, thinking that love has to be up-and-down or bipolar, discouragement and a lack of encouragement, being compared to other people, and being molested, these things shaped how I saw myself. I saw myself as a victim. A lot of times I was reaching out to people for help but I wasn't even sure of what I actually needed. I made sure to go away to college to run away from the horrible life I felt I had. Going away to college was freedom for me. But my problems followed me there. They stalked me in the late night hours and taunted me in my dreams. So much that I would cry out at night to God that He would heal my family and to heal me, to use me to help heal them. It was one of those nights during my freshmen year of college that God spoke "preach" to me. 

Since that time I have been devoted to healing so that God can get the full use from my life. And it's been in the last almost 30 days of being 30 that God did the ultimate, including this morning. For 21 days after my birthday, I fasted and did a video sharing a new daily secret that came about as a result of my molestation. It was in that time that God fully healed me from being molested. Today the sermon said you know you have been healed from something when you can do something you never did...I used to not be able to talk about being molested without crying. Some of those things I never admitted to anyone.  But it was today that God sealed it for me. 

Listening to that sermon made me recount so many things. I specifically remembered a sermon at my church in New Orleans from a visiting pastor, Do You Want To Be Made Whole. This came about after I had watched a movie with a guy that simulated the effects of our prison system on "test subjects."  One part of it bothered me so greatly, a weaker inmate almost being raped by a sexual deviant guard, that I went home and prayed to God why did that situation and situations where people were being victimized bothered me so much. He revealed then that I wasn't totally healed and I needed to be made whole and He gave it to me that same Sunday. 

The sermon I watched/listened to this morning touched on everything...from how the pains we experience take root deep within us and grow deeper the longer we don't uproot them to how it merely takes a seed (mustard seed faith in the word seed of God) to uproot a tree. I was doing the ugly cry because I know so many who needed that word and the reminder. I needed God to complete His finished work in me and He did it. 

What's funny is that I've been taking a course to open myself up to receive love, particularly the love of my God-appointed husband but love however God wants to give it. I've been able to address so many things through it and I'm so grateful! God had greater plans than that for me though. God poured out love as only He can. God became my husband in this season and I became the bride of Christ...He cleansed me from that shame and bitterness, took it all away to make me new for His use. But He reminded of a prayer I prayed, to be healed so I don't project my pain on my husband and children, and break the cycle. And He did just that for me!!!

In this process, I have truly come to understand what it means to love. In the confession I wrote, I affirm 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, specifically Love keeps no record of wrongs.  As I sat in the car crying, while driving LOL, it seemed like everything around me was moving slow. It's as if God slowed down time so that I could fully accept what He had just done in me.  Literally every single word He spoke to me was said in that sermon. Time to release. Revival. Renewal. Forgiveness. Freedom.

I had so many epiphanies, so many lightbulbs going off, so many puzzle pieces falling into place. And I realized, that I have the responsibility of being like Harriet Tubman in this season. Because I've been freed, it's my responsibility to bring freedom to other people. It's selfish of me to keep what God did for me to myself. So all of this is to tell you that whatever it is you haven't forgiven, or released, or been healed from, it's time to let it go. It's time to stop projecting your pain on to other people. It's time to stop being hurt and hurting other people blindly. Isaiah 61 is a chapter in that I know is my specific call. Just as Jesus read these verses allowed in the temple, I hear verses 1-7 over and over repeatedly in my head, especially verses 1 and 6. 61:6 or 616. 616 is my hospital room number from when I had my kidney transplant. It was literally the place where God gave me a second chance at life. I made a promise to God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do with my life.  And this year, my one word is live. But how can you truly live knowing that those you love and the people you meet aren't really living? That they're still in bondage? That they are still shackled and not free?

I know this was long and had a lot in it. But I want you to know that God truly loves you. He's concerned about everything single thing that concerns you. He wants you to be whole. Just like the man at the pool of Bethesda in John 5, He wants you to be made whole. He wants you to fully live.  

Today, I hope you stop seeing your pain in every situation and instead see it as an opportunity to get free. Turn it all over to God and let him heal you. Whatever your process may be, God is faithful to see you to the end. 

"I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord."

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭118:17‬ ‭AMP‬‬

"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭AMP‬‬

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21 Days To Freedom: Final Videos

Thank you all for watching the videos and commenting on this journey.  It's definitely been tough but I am more than grateful for God's faithfulness to me throughout this journey.  For the first time in my life I truly feel free.  I hope that you watch, and share with someone who has experienced this or any type of abuse.  It's time to start shining the light on the darkness in our world so that all people can get free!

Day 19

https://youtu.be/HNMPrYEtr4A

Day 20

https://youtu.be/eb5Xf7cyiss

Day 21

https://youtu.be/SeJ40WdoNEw

Final Reflections

https://youtu.be/f--cXw4y9oQ

Final Day 10 Day Vegan Challenge

https://youtu.be/6zJzTA6couo

Intentional Obedience

"Now the Lord has brought it about and has done as He said: [It is] because you [of Judah] have sinned against the Lord and have not obeyed His voice, therefore this thing has come upon you."

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭40:3‬ ‭AMP‬‬

This last ten days I've been vegan. Meaning no meat, no dairy, no eggs, and nothing made of or by an animal. This was a part of a 21-day fast God commissioned for my healing and deliverance from my childhood molestation once and for all.  10 days were set aside for me to do a vegan challenge to release and be cleansed. And these last 10 days have been amazing. Most definitely a cleansing, a healing, a purging and a release has taken place in my heart, mind, body and spirit.  God pressed my heart to share, so here goes. 

The things that resonate the loudest are intentional and obedience. I had to be intentional to do what I said I would do so that I could be successful. On the Friday I began, I had to make up on my mind to not eat what was convenient and to instead go eat a black bean burger and sweet potato fries. I contemplated just doing something else and delaying the challenge until later in the year and God said no. He pressed me to do what He said now.  I then spent the weekend buying everything I would need to be successful food-wise. Over these last 10 days, I've just felt light and free. I've been able to release so many things and just be free in myself...but I know it was because God told me that in order to be successful at this I needed to be intentional--which requires absolute obedience and no compromise. 

Some of the benefits I've noticed are clear urine and multiple BMs daily(sorry if it's TMI lol haha 😅) clearer skin, weight loss (I'm definitely not a 6/borderline 8, possibly back into my 4s), more energy, better focus...but I've spiritually released so many lies and ignorance from my life. Molestation took a tremendous toll on my life and it distorted how I saw myself. This purge was to finally efface the stain it put on my life. It was to make me clean and to give me a clear slate. I learned over the years that this single event cracked the lens I saw through. Today, I can finally say it's been renewed, restored and replaced with a new lens, God's truth. As I did this physical thing to signify the spiritual act I partook, I felt mental chains falling off. I now believe I can do anything. I know that everything God has told me will happen. I still have days, where if things aren't happening as quickly as I would like or I'm unsure, I feel overwhelmed by thoughts of doubt trying to make me regress, but I choose to remind myself of God's truth and press onward. 

How this translates to life: sometimes even when others question your journey, stating their objections or they don't understand, you must remain intentional in your obedience. (I believe I must saw that you have to know this is what God told you to do for you.) You must holdfast to what God told you to do. You must take hold of God's promises and obey Him and Him alone. Three times I've gone to restaurants and been faced with the temptation to not eat my vegan meal. The first time my coworkers encouraged me to give up and start over. Because they aren't where I am or even aware, I was able to easily ignore them. On the other occasions, my mother encouraged me to stick to it. Now, on day 10, I'm grateful because God has clearly spoken to me about several things. 

In this walk we must be intentional, regardless of what God leads us to do, no matter how unorthodox it is. We must be obedient to whatever God is telling us to do. We must be intentional in our obedience because in order for us to be used by Him and for Him to get the full glory from our lives, we have to prove He can trust us. (If you can be trusted with little, you can be trusted with a lot--Parable of the Talents) In our intentional obedience to God, we create a trust relationship with him. Who a person trusts demonstrates who can be admitted to the inner circle. I want to be in God's inner circle. I hope you do too!

"But by your callous stubbornness and impenitence of heart you are storing up wrath and indignation for yourself on the day of wrath and indignation, when God's righteous judgment (just doom) will be revealed. For He will render to every man according to his works [justly, as his deeds deserve]: [Ps. 62:12.] To those who by patient persistence in well-doing [springing from piety] seek [unseen but sure] glory and honor and [the eternal blessedness of] immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and self-willed and disobedient to the Truth but responsive to wickedness, there will be indignation and wrath. [And] there will be tribulation and anguish and calamity and constraint for every soul of man who [habitually] does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek (Gentile). But glory and honor and [heart] peace shall be awarded to everyone who [habitually] does good, the Jew first and also the Greek (Gentile). For God shows no partiality [undue favor or unfairness; with Him one man is not different from another]. [Deut. 10:17; II Chron. 19:7.]"

‭‭Romans‬ ‭2:5-11‬ ‭AMP‬‬

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Let Freedom Ring

I don't even know where to begin.  I apologize in advance...I know this will be long but I have to get it out.  Three years ago God spoke to me about sharing my testimony about being molested.  At that point I still cried profusely about what happened to me as a child.  It still hurt...in my mind I identified myself by it.  It was the shrine of my shame.  But God then again prophetically told me it was time to heal from it, right before my birthday.  So I began a fast for 21 days after my birthday.  Today is day 12.  Yesterday was the first day of my going vegan for 10 days and even then I knew God was going to do something in me.

I've been doing several things...an Esther purification process that God led me to do back in 2012 for a year and back then it blew my mind how much God loved me to lead me to go through that process of healing and unloading.  But this time I knew it was different (it is something I plan to launch in January for other women as a guided process...I'll elaborate later).  I'm on my second six months, and today I began a new anointing oil, frankincense.  The first six months I anointed myself daily with the oil of myrrh, which is known for its purifying and pruning properties.  I confessed scriptures that aligned with being pruned and purified daily.  The first oil of the second six months (see Esther 2:12) was cardamom, which alludes to being spotless, without stain or blemish.  When I got that word from God that He was going to completely heal me from being molested, I was in the middle week (7 oils, roughly 3 weeks each oil for the second six months)...and I thought it was so loving of God to help me permanently erase the stain of molestation and sexual abuse from my life.  I know it was His plan!!!  So when I began the 21 days, I vowed to share a secret from being molested each day to shine the light on sexual abuse and child molestation. 

In addition to that process, I began a 40 day journey individually on June 18 and with one of my sister-friends on July 1st to "make miracles" --  its not sacrilegious at all, its actually being grateful in all situations and giving God the room to move (comment for more information, you are welcome to join us).  Then I also began another study group with several of my friends that has overlapped...so it was today's reading that I had the breakthrough of all breakthroughs.  I felt it was God that nudged me to glance ahead so I could alert my friend to the day we had ahead of us and that I would be there for her and vice versa.  Literally as I began reading the entry, a song came on -- "Never Be Bound Again" -- and I couldn't stop crying.  Towards the end of the reading, another song prophetically declared this is the season for release.  And I wish I could explain to you what I felt!  Literally everything the person in this entry felt --  that was me.  I used my pain to help others.  I used my pain to motivate others spiritually because it was only God that kept me alive.  I felt that while I was able to love others, I was unlovable because I was damaged, and every single thing that happened after that, made me feel less and less worthy of love, more damaged.  Being molested changed how I saw everything, how I related to everyone.  It completely warped my reality.  I've recounted some of these things in my videos but I really thank God for today because it was all laid out. I thought I was free before...not like I am right now.  Last month's confession focus was to be blemishless and blameless...today the author pointed out how truly blameless abuse victims are and it gave me so much freedom!  The lie I had believed for years had nothing to stand on.  I knew God had been doing something in me lately because of the reminders all week long to forgive and having me share what He's done in me.  I felt led to share with all of you my freedom so that you can get your own.

I don't know what your wound is.  Maybe it is something that others inflicted on you like mine was, maybe its something you did to yourself.  But I am a LIVING testimony that God will free you.  God will save you from your pit.  God will pull you up out of the miry clay.  He will stop you from living beneath His plan for you.  He will separate you from people, attitudes, beliefs, whatever it is that is limiting you because that is just how good and how great God is.  He will teach you that you are capable and able to love and receive love.  He will heal your broken heart and restore your brokenness.  He will teach you to give true love without reservations in whatever way He needs to.  There is freedom in Jesus.  There is healing in Jesus.  There is restoration in Jesus.  Don't let the devil lie to you and water down just how powerful God is.  God is love, and love is the most abundant resource in the universe.  God will do whatever it takes to make sure you know His love, meeting you right where you are.  

I can finally say I'm free.  I no longer hold a grudge for what shouldn't have happened.  I am grateful because I am not a victim.  I am a victor.  God allowed it so that He could get the glory from my life and I wanna make sure other people get free too.  Get your freedom today!

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.  2 Corinthians 3:17

The Pain of Carrying Burdens

Never have I ever realized how much we carry and overlook in life as I have in the last two weeks.  After having been rear-ended twice in New Orleans, this third accident (not a big deal) was sign enough that I needed to slow down and listen.  Because of all the different things God has me doing right now, I've been more aware of Him and more aware of how I feel in every area.  

Imagine you have one brick on a wagon.  Then you go to a stop, and you pick up another.  You continue picking up bricks along the way, making the wagon heavier and heavier.  But you never take any bricks off, you just keep carrying them with you.  What you don't realize, is  that while you develop the strength necessary to carry the bricks and drag them along with you, you have no reason for carrying them.  Somehow you assumed that you were to continue carrying them and never to drop them off.  You created the illusion of strength because for some reason you believed you were supposed to keep carrying and dragging the bricks along with you.  

How many of you do that?  Ignore your own pain?  Or develop such a high tolerance for pain that you are ignoring your body's attempts to point out to you that something is wrong?  How long have you carried the heartache?  How long have you ignored your feelings about that situation?  How long have you build unnecessary resistance in your body for the need to keep going?  

I now appreciate that God mandated a day of rest for a reason.  For too long, I just kept pushing myself to meet this unrealistic expectation of productivity all while ignoring the pains I was feeling. This week I have been so achy, so tired, and so restless because of the heaviness of the other burdens God was pulling off me that I finally listened.  I got in the bed last night before 11, if not before 10!  I was so sleepy driving home that I almost fell asleep and swerved a little into the lane next to me.  I realized that it is critical to give yourself time to heal in every situation, be it physical, relational, mental, emotional, or spiritual.  You need time to allow your body to feel the pain, to begin the process of muscle repair.  You need the time to separate and withdraw so that God can give you what you need to let go, to remove the bandage.  

How do you recognize it?  Hmmm, this is tricky.  How I realized it, yesterday I realized it as I left the chiropractor.  I had a slightly mild headache all afternoon yesterday and was just achy getting into the bed last night.  It made me realize how much I ignored those little aches and had just accepted them as life.  I realized, however, that the pain necessary to get you where you should be is more painful when you have allowed those pains to sit.  It is more difficult to correct a set in problem than it is to deal with a new one.  It's more painful to allow your hurts to sit.  It requires more conscious effort on your behalf to forgive and release the pain from a 20 year old issue than a new one.  

So today, I encourage you to spend some time alone and acknowledge the pains you've been carrying.  It's time to unload them.  If you need help or support in the process, I'll be available to pray with and for you.  There is so much life to live on the other side of pain.  So much freedom in Christ.  So much liberation and healing.  So much abundance.  You can't feel or have any of that if you won't let go.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

21 Days To Freedom: Day 9 Forgive Them

Sometimes the most difficult people to give are your family.  But remember that hurt people hurt...and there is healing for you in forgiving them for not seeing what you went through.

https://youtu.be/1vEPOyXy9f4

Dear Jesus

I'm literally reading about 5 or 6 books at once right now...and the one I'm reading at this present moment brought me to tears.

To make sense of my emotions, I have to somewhat share where I am spiritually.  I'm in the middle phases of courting.  The getting to know you, the awe is gone...now is the time to be smitten.  God has decided to take me on a whirlwind journey of healing and revelation, all wrapped in a pretty package called love.  It's beautiful, how God has chosen to reveal Himself to me in everything.  But if you seek Him, you will find him!

So here's a letter that God told me to share.

Dear Jesus,

Nowadays it is so hard to see you, but I know you're there.  You've been sure to remind me of your presence lately through some of the most random of ways.  From making sure that my brakes didn't fail in the rain, to making me take extra prednisone so I wouldn't be in pain...thank you.  To pricking my heart to whisper, "you're worth more than that to me"...thank you.  To having my best friend remind me of her thoughts of me on Father's Day when she has a family of her own...thank you.  To having the little people in my life hug and kiss and dance with me and look at me with loving eyes, thank you.  To waking me up after I've been up all night praying or sometimes slacking and I felt like I got a complete night's sleep, thank you.  The tender assurances, the constant confirmation everywhere...thank you.  Thank you for the constant reminder of your love towards me.  Many years I questioned whether you loved me and it turns out I was looking in the wrong places.  So today, if I haven't thanked you enough, I say thank you.

Love,

Marquita

It turns out that if we actually look for God we will see Him, all around us, waiting for us to come in.  Steal away so that you can write your own letter to Him.