Looking for Love

I haven't written poetry in years but today and with everything that has been happening lately and truthfully my observations about life lol, I felt inspired.  Hope it blesses you!  Patience is a virtue and I will begrudgingly continue being patient haha!

Looking for Love

Love, where are you?  I've been searching high and low for you, looking over, in under and through people to find you, but your presence still evades me.

Love, where did you go?  Why did you leave me? The air is still tinged with your aroma, with the effervescence of your essence and I still…can't…find…YOU.

Love do you still exist?  So much that my friends and family resort to a computer screen to find you when you used to be in between the cosmic condensation of space, called now, something we witnessed in our parents and grandparents, but yet now you elude us as life dilutes us from what is real…what is…you.

Love, what do I need to do, to have you here with me, permanently, conjunctively, with no dysfunctions or disjunctions?  What do I need to do to feel your lasting warmth, your sweet embrace and to admire your lovely face?  What do I need to do to just hold you, feel you and taste the air you breathe, my eyes are blind and I cannot see without you.

Love, deep in my heart I cannot doubt the seeds you planted when you left.  I cannot allow the reality of right now to disillusion me against the realness of your message, of your sentences filled with verbs—your words, singing to my heart, that even though sometimes we are distant we will never part, that you hold my heart.  Even when chasing dreams and ambitions hide your smile from eyesight's view, I must keep hold of vision, to you I remain true.

Love, thank you for the reminder that when I doubt you're there I must look within to that place, that now dark, damp and dusty place where you once lived, and if I gaze on the memory I realize that you never left me and you will always live within me as long as I am true to myself and remember why My Father gave you to me…so that others can see Him through me, so that each days mercies are new to me, and so that He can use me, to find you.

 

Marquita 02/20/2013

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.
Love never comes to an end.

Your Perfect Circle

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me: your mercy, O LORD, endures forever: forsake not the works of your own hands. Psalm 138:8 KJV2000

This has been on my heart for a while to write.  I had been thinking of how my life has changed drastically in the last 3 years: lost friends, made some lifelong ones, finally adjusted to my life without my daddy, set plans in motion to move, moved nearly a 1000 miles away, started law school, got a new niece, made a vow to God to not cut my hair (as DIFFICULT as that is for me lol) and to honor my temple, gained new ministry opportunities, realized some of the gifts I have, finished my book and finally embraced me.  One of the things that stood out the most for me was how God started moving people in and out of my life, which turned out to be the most painful part of the process.

When you are on your path to oneness with God, He will most definitely have you do some strange things.  I cannot begin to tell you all the things God has had me do and a lot of them were uncomfortable.  It hurt to not have some people on this journey with me, but it is all a part of trusting the process.  I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3, where we are told by Solomon that there is a time, a season for everything under the sun, and this most definitely includes relationships.  Some friends I would not have imagined I would be without right now.  At one point or another, I thought our relationships were covenant, forged in the fire of adversity to be lifelong.  However, I was wrong.  During that process, God has revealed to me that everyone was not my friend for the necessity of simply being my friend.  No, they had become my friend for what I could do for them, or for what they saw in me, and how that thing could benefit them.  

The pruning process is hard and painful.  It's much like removing a mole: depending on the method, you could be numbed to it and feel the pain afterwards, or you could be wide awake and feel it be snatched off of you, or you could be brave enough to do the callous thing yourself!  I had to end some relationships because the person's dependency on me was unhealthy and they honestly took more away from me than they added.  Others were snatched from me by life and circumstance.  Either way I was not happy--not happy to have to lose a friend, not happy to have to man up and do something that had long needed to be done, or simply not happy over having to step outside of my comfort zone.

I look at the scripture above and I think about this...God will perfect those things concerning me, even my choice of friends.  I have some friends I have had for years and I see how God has grown us and matured us so our relationships could survive the test of time.  I also see how He has used me and my walk to be an encouragement to others, even though it is very uncomfortable to be so open with some of the things I have gone through.  But I realize yet again, He was just perfecting my circle, making sure those that are around me reinforce those same principles He wants me to reflect.  I don' t know if you have ever been in a fun house at the fair, with all the mirrors.  But if you have been, and all the lights are on, have you ever noticed how bright the lights are in the part where the mirrors are arranged so that you see yourself in all the mirrors?  Why is the light so bright?  It is simple, yet complex: the mirrors reflect each other's light.  And so will your perfect circle will reflect your light.  Maybe it's time to check your circle, or turn on the light.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6 NASB 

Going Against the Status Quo: Radical Obedience

Then Elisha sent him a messenger, who said, "Go wash seven times in the Jordan and your flesh will be restored and you will be clean." 2 Kings 5:10 HCSB

God has been having me do a whole lot lately, to stretch myself and to rid me of attitudes, behaviors, and unnecessary things that have hindered my journey.  One thing in particular has been an increase in having difficult conversations.  If you know me, I typically avoid conversations I do not want to have.  I felt like if I ignored a thing long enough it would simply go away.  Sadly, I realize now that it is a product of the things that happened to me growing up--I ignored, or rather, refused to acknowledge, some ugly truths until some other stimulus forced it to emerge from the cauldron.  It is like boiling anything under pressure.  Once the pressure builds to a high enough level, that thing is bound to boil over, and for me, it was not always pretty when it came out--but I digress, because when is the truth ever pretty?

One of my prayers has been for boldness.  God in His awesomeness forced my hand with the first situation, because I had no intention of paying this thing a second thought.  But God had the situation come to me, and when I got off the phone, I felt the press on my heart to say something more.  I ignored it, so I woke up the next day with the words to say on my mind.  All day that following day I procrastinated, but I prayed for the courage to have the conversation.  Then alas after a strange series of events that following morning, now day 3, I couldn't fight myself anymore and had the conversation.  To my surprise it went well, even after what felt like haggling to finally say what God instructed me to say.  So since then, I have been presented with other situations to question myself while doing something out of my comfort zone...and all have left me asking God, why do You have ME doing this?

To that, there is no obvious answer.  Whether it is having a difficult conversation, swallowing a pill of your being wrong and admitting it, arguing your view, following some strange course to be healed or ignoring the need to stand up for yourself, the purpose behind all of these situations is to teach us obedience.  Nowadays we live in a world where obedience is a foreign language, albeit unrecognizable for most.  We have media telling us to cry mutiny against our leadership and encouraging the proliferation of violence among our children and we also have cartoons teaching children to lie and be disobedient.  Radical obedience seems to be unfounded;  as I thought about this earlier, I was reminded of Naaman, in 2 Kings 5, the Syrian general who was also a leper.  He heard of in Samaria through one of the servants and his ability to heal him.  Upon arrival, Naaman offered Elisha money to be healed.  Instead, Elisha sent one of his servants to tell Naaman to wash in the Jordan 7 times.  This sounds like a pretty ridiculous thing to do to Naaman, (and me also) so he got angry--and replied that there were better rivers that he could have done the same thing in.  How many times have you asked God for a thing and He gave you a reply like, go apologize or give that woman $20, or something absurd in your rational, human mind?  

It was not until his servants rephrased it, thus shedding light on the situation, that Naaman actually considered the solution.  After washing himself those 7 times, his skin was as a child's skin and he was clean.  I do not know what God's entire purpose was in those things I experienced, I know teaching me boldness for sure and I assume building my confidence in Him, but I also gained the understanding of why we need to be obedient.  You never know if your doing that radical thing God has been pressing on your heart is the key to your breakthrough, so why not at least try?  In this process, I have encountered those less than willing to hear what I had to say, but I know that my reward is in doing what I was instructed to do.  And the more you are obedient, God will entrust you with more and greater tasks...consider it an honor!

For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have more than enough. But from the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.  Matthew 25:29 HCSB

Having Faith When the Situation Seems Hopeless

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28 HCSB

How do you have faith when everything that you know comes crashing down?  Have you ever felt hopeless?  

I remember when I got sick in college.  I had prayed that I did not have Lupus, repeatedly.  In my mind, I was devastated because there was nothing the doctors could give me those two weeks I waited to find out, because they themselves did not know what was going on.  I was asking why me, why am I still alive, why am I suffering?  I had lost hope, or rather I had lost faith.  I had lost belief and trust in God because I could not understand what was going on at the time.  I was thinking about myself, thinking about why did that thing had happened to me.  But I remained prayerful, because it was the only thing I knew that would produce a result.

Of course all along I was praying, so I never lost sight of what I knew--which was that God had to heal me.  Even though I was still in a vulnerable place, my faith was my reality and I knew that God's word was truth.  So sometime after I had been released, I talked to one of my mentors.  I told her that God was going to heal me and she said that God doesn't heal everybody. I realized I could not receive her words because it went against the truth that God had revealed to me in my heart and in His word.  I held on to that belief and rested in the fact that I could not accept things went against what I knew...and I can say that from 2003 to 2006 my lupus serologies were negative; it was positive once while I was hospitalized in February of 2006, and it has never been positive since.

I thought about these things today as I left the courthouse.  I witnessed several men and a few women that have fallen into a state of hopelessness, or truthfully speaking, disbelief.  They do not believe in anything and accept life as they see it as reality and their lives and choices manifest the evidence of it.  And I asked God, how can we maintain faith in a place like this?  How can you have faith when the system (well, the legal system here in New Orleans, that is, and I'm sure several other places, but metaphorically speaking) is orchestrated for your failure?

I realized this as I got some news that would have depressed most people...but because I know that God has control of everything, I am faithful that it will work out and truthfully not concerned.  We maintain faith in desolate places by remembering the truth of God's word.  Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17.  It is the promises of God, and the things He has already done for us and for others that should serve as the foundation for our faith.  I digress and I realize that most of you may not be like me; there are things that I know as truth and fact--The Word--and for those things there is nothing that can come against it.  Being raised in the church and as the granddaughter of a preacher, one thing I was raised to know, was that the Word of God was, is and will always be fact.  So despite doubting because I had momentarily accepted what I saw as reality, I was reminded of the scripture above that has come to be one of my favorites.  Knowing or believing in a thing makes it a fact for us.  When we condition our minds to acknowledge the Word of God as fact, all else fades away.  It is at that point that your faith becomes your reality and the things you are believing God for are merely waiting in the queue, so to speak, to manifest.  It is in having that Word database that you are able to encourage yourself and others when life may be saying otherwise.

So the key to having faith even when the world seems to be crashing around you, when everything you have known is no more, is in trusting what you know--trusting and relying on the promises of God.  Even when your mind says no, you have to make the decision to keep trusting in God's word.  Trust in what He has done for you.  Trust in what He has done time and time again and bear down in your faith and know that your breakthrough awaits.  You must know that this situation and all others in your life will ultimately work out for your good, because like the Word, it is written.

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Psalm 34:19 KJV2000
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  Psalm 71:20 NIV

In First Place

You shall have no other gods before Me. Exodus 20:3 NASB

In the beginning of God's deluge to Moses on the rules of law that the children of Israel were to live by stands one of the greatest commandments. You shall have no other gods before Me. And in listening to a message on First Fruits almost two minutes ago, it dawned on me what that really meant. Have no other gods before me...this meaning I can't have my family, my friends, my relationships, work, school, health, finances and money, anything or anyone, before Him.

I realize now that for all my life up until this point, that this lesson is what God has been trying to show me. Of course God especially personalizes this journey for each of us...but I now see that everything I have gone through has served to draw me closer to Him and to teach me this single fact. We must not have any other god before Him. Because all of these things can be come a 'god' for us...fame and attention, prosperity, power, lust, influence, work, our significant others...we allow these things to manipulate our schedules and control our sleeping. They influence when we wake up, what we will do when we leave work and when we get home. They even dictate how much time we spend with God, which service we go to and how long it needs to be. It all makes sense now.

It is essential to our faith that we learn to reverse the roles and the mistakes taught to us by everyday life. We must realize that it is in the reordering of those lists that the things that are most important can all be accomplished when we place those things at God's feet after we have subjected ourselves to His instructions. It is when we start the day with prayer, praise and worship to and of Him that we can see those things fall into place before us. It is when we seek His dreams, visions, and appointed purposes for our lives that we begin to truly know who we are and truly begin to enjoy our lives here. It is when we put Him first in everything, that everything that was once a disarray and out of order becomes a flowing process. You begin to meet the right people at the right time to help you bring to pass those new 'ideas,' you meet that special someone because you have allowed God to reorder your life and priorities and give you a new value system, and you start really making those millions you have dreamed about (well, I know I will be making them soon, lol).

God has to be first. Before everything, every person, and every situation. God allows us to 'go through', revealing those voids in our lives so that we must seek Him. It was not until my daddy died and seemingly all hell broke loose that I really had to go to Him to get it all together. It was in almost having something I have always desired that I realized that I did not want that thing without God. With God first, everything you need and truly desire will manifest. With God first, there is no lack. With God first, everything comes to you instead of you seeking those things. Put Him first today, drop everything and let God give you those things back in their proper order--then watch your life take on a form you never dreamed of! Watch God blow your mind!

All these blessings will come upon you and overtake you if you obey the LORD your God. Deuteronomy 28:2 NASB

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

There is profit in all hard work, but endless talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23 HCSB

 

Okay so truth moment, well all of my devotions are truth moments for me haha. But seriously, sometimes I feel as if I have never really pushed myself in pursuit of anything in my life.  I have often done only the bare minimum, and instead I gave the illusion of hard work by stretching myself with several other tasks to compensate for that fact.  I can remember a few instances...and it is taking everything within me not to break down and cry.  At the slightest sign of opposition most times, I have quit or lashed out like a spoiled child. 

 

In high school, I was ranked number one since forever (I graduated valedictorian).  I really didn't have to do much to do well, evidenced by the fact I was often discouraged from answering questions because my teachers knew I knew the answer.  I got really lazy my senior year--in particular, I was in AP Calculus and my teacher threatened me with an F and actually called my mom, which caused me to break down and cry, and hurry up and get my act together.  Fast forward to freshman year of college, I had straight As and could sleep through Calculus (yeahhhhh I had to repeat it because yep I was lazy and didn't score high enough on the AP exam in high school).  But biology, which did not teach me to enough so that I could actually pass a test and because I didn't know how to study, I couldn't teach myself the material or go to study groups with the other students.  So I dropped that class at the threat of a D marring my academic record.  To think the only thing between me and being a doctor was that dang class lol...

 

I started off well with my LSAT studies last year but got distracted and did the bare minimum there.  I did well enough to get into Law School and it was by the grace of God that I got a grant covering a majority of my tuition.  Now the things I have genuinely worked for: every sport I played (I was told I was not athletically inclined so I had to prove that wrong), graduation, becoming a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., redeeming myself with a professor who thought I was a slacker, dropping pounds with my trainer my grad year (life on prednisone I tell ya), and in some of my relationships among other things...  I really felt something with those because I worked and did the work to achieve those things.

 

Even now, I have gotten my first semester's grades back from law school and I did the bare minimum (for Marquita, that is) and I did my usual task juggling (full-time work and school).  I did not flunk out, thank God, but I did not do as well as I would have liked either.  So today I realized something about myself.  I was lazy.  (I released laziness before I went into 2013).  I did not know how to study and because of all those years of not being challenged academically or encouraged to work hard, I failed to rise to the occasion here and dropped the ball, sorta.  Although I tried studying with others, I was inconsistent with the things that mattered--adequate preparation for one of my classes, actual studying and testing myself before finals, reinforcing the things I know about how I learn--and my efforts were insufficient to produce the results I desired.  Although in my defense, I am having to learn to learn differently and for that matter, internalize the fact that the answer is not what is important, it is how you got the answer, well the explanation (total opposite of what I have learned my entire life).  

 

Strangely enough, many of us do this in life--we resist and quit or throw a temper tantrum because: 1) we are not challenging ourselves spiritually and are thus not growing or 2) we have challenged ourselves to pursue a deeper relationship with the Father and we give up at the first sign of tension.  Then we feel as if we have failed so we turn our backs on God.  Fortunately life is a lot like school, so the only way we flunk out of life is if we refuse to learn the lesson by adapting to the circumstances and ultimately choose to live a life without God.  The beauty of this lesson is that we can change, re-take the test and pass!

 

To many people, the efforts I have taken over the years seem like a lot and that I actually accomplished something...but for me it wasn't.  It was easy to juggle 30-something tasks to compensate for the fact that I was not being challenged in the most important way.  In fact, busyness was my coping mechanism to not deal with the world, well that and reading a whole lot of books.  Actually I recognize now that I was filling voids with busyness when I should have been filling voids with God.  The more I had going on, the more occupied my life felt.  It served to keep my mind off my reality, which was that something was missing from my life.  However, depending on what that thing was, the more it challenged me, the more likely I was to quit and do something else unless I was encouraged to keep pressing.  Actually, it was only the things in life that I have prayed and asked for God's help, strength and favor that I successfully completed.  I was like that potential I saw in the men I had dated...resting and untapped.  But the change for me now is having people that believe in me and my success and now I want to do this for me (well, for God--He did give me the dream, lol).

 

This lesson goes back to my prayer and desire to become the Proverbs 31 woman, which includes being a woman of integrity and a hard worker among other things.  (See Proverbs 31:10-31)  When we ask God to teach us certain things, for the process that results to truly be productive, it will involve that painful act of exposure, removal of the blinders and actually seeing yourself for who you really are.  When I looked at myself from that perspective, I got sad but quickly saw that there was hope, and for that hope I have faith that God has changed me.  So it does not matter to me anymore: I will be successful and a hard worker from this day forward.  Daily God reveals something about me, and daily my respect, honor and love for and faith in Him grows more.  Making these changes will make me into the woman He called me to be, but more importantly, give Him the glory.  Allow God to really use you and endure that hard work called self-improvement and spiritual growth.  You will be glad to become who you were called to be, so forget the past and press forward which means you have some work ahead of you!

 

I think of this scripture and I will most certainly keep this as my confession from today forward: Brothers and sisters, I can't consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don't look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God's heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:13-14 GWT

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"No weapon formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of God and their righteousness is of me," says the Lord.  Isaiah 54:17
http://lifeinspiredbygod.com/

Take A Back Seat

Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.  Psalm 25:5 NASB

 

There is a song called "Background" by Lecrae, and the chorus says "Won't you take the Lead, lead, lead...and I can play the background, the background and you can take the leeeeeeaaaaad (lol)."  In talking with my friend last night, I realized the importance of losing control to God by remembering how I felt when it happened to me.  

 

I did not realize how much I had felt the need to be in control of my life until I lost it.  I mean virtually everything I had planned happened for me with no struggle: I graduated high school with no problems, got into every school I applied to, and even had school paid for.  I was able to attend an out-of-state college in Atlanta which is where I said I wanted to be and live for school.  I had a boyfriend and great friends, so my life was peachy.  I had never been sick majorly, only colds and allergies that I can think of, and of course the measles and chicken pox.  But there was really no opposition whatsoever.  Then almost seemingly the world as I knew it came crashing down around me junior year when I was diagnosed with kidney disease.  Everything that I knew had changed and that control I had unknowingly cherished was snatched from my grasp.  I hated that God had even kept me alive because I did not understand why I had to suffer.  I see now that it has only been growth and a maturing of my faith that has revealed the necessity of those things in my life as well as praying for God to lead me and show me how to manifest the life He wants for me.

At this point in my life, I know and take comfort more each day in God's leading me.  A scripture I meditate on pretty regularly now is Psalm 32:8, which says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." (NASB)  I actually like the AKJV better because it says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go: I will guide you with my eye."  God promises to lead and guide us on the best pathway for our lives and that He will guide us with His eye.  I take that to mean that God will give us several things: a divine vision of the path we are to follow, 'insider' tips and information on how to succeed revealed by His Spirit, and basically an answer key to pass any trial and test that comes.  

However if you are like I was, hard-headed and determined to live life your way, I am sure this seems unfathomable and totally foreign to you.   How can a God you cannot see lead you?  If you are honest, you've felt this way before too.  I questioned everything and fought to get my way, which resulted in some of the worst times in my life...all because I wanted to do what I thought was best for me.

I have since surrendered to God and I pray daily that He leads me and shows me the way.  Life isn't easy, but God and His provision of the above--a vision for me to follow, tips (words to my heart and mind from the Holy Spirit, prophetic guidance from godly counsel, and the Spoken Word), and the answer key (the Bible), I have done a whole lot better than I did in the past.  We have to learn to release the reins and get in the back of the buggy.  We have to move to the back of the train and let God be the conductor.  We have to allow God to drive the bus because He alone knows the way.  We cannot believe that we alone have it all together and that God has no place or purpose in our lives.  It was not until I finally exhaled to let go that my life truly began to take shape and take off.  Get in the back seat and ride.  Let God take the lead and show you what you need!

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.  Psalm 143:10 NASB

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"No weapon formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of God and their righteousness is of me," says the Lord.  Isaiah 54:17
http://lifeinspiredbygod.com/