Windows of Opportunity

***I actually wrote this last year sometime while I was still in New Orleans.  For whatever reason, God has me tying up loose ends, including finishing devotions I started or sending out ones that have been in drafts for months and even years.  Hope this blesses you!***

For just as you once were disobedient to God, but now have been shown mercy because of their disobedience, so these also now have been disobedient, that because of the mercy shown to you they also may now be shown mercy. Romans 11:30-31

Today I was slightly disobedient.  Well I guess not slightly.  I was walking Parker and God told me to say something to this lady I passed by.  I resisted and did not because she was a complete stranger and I felt that I was supposed say something more to her.  I asked God to forgive me and then I heard more from Him.  When we disobey God we miss windows of opportunity to pour into others, we miss opportunities to reap His blessings in seemingly pointless situations, and we miss the chance to step out and trust Him in uncertainty.

I then thought about why we disobey God and how do we miss out on these windows.  This is what I saw:

1. Fear

2. Stubbornness and Rebellion

3. Opinions of Others

Truthfully what usually happens is some combination of the three.  You fear the opinions of others and in stubbornness you don't act or more as God tells you to.  I was afraid to speak up to an older white lady and tell her what God instructed me to say to her.  Like I said I felt I was supposed to say more, but that initial word was my window, both to do God's will and to possibly have the extended conversation with her.  But I allowed my thoughts to keep me from being obedient.

I have countless other stories of my disobedience to God smh.    Times He has nudged me to say something to my family or friends and out of fear of what they thought, I kept the vice grips on my mouth.  There were other times when I was supposed to not do something that I instead did.  

***Fast forward to today, 08/12/2015*** As I look back on this, God has given me other situations in which He told me to do something unorthodox and strange.  Fortunately, I believe I've passed the tests since then and gotten so much peace in being obedient.  I encourage you today to take every opportunity as it comes and to be used of God as He desires.  Don't hesitate, don't wait.  Move at His decree and be a blessing!  The seed you sow in someone else could be the final seed needed to experience that breakthrough.  Be selfless and generous in your obedience.  Someone could be waiting on you!

Surrender Explained

So far I have had two dreams that I can clearly see as dreams instructing me to surrender. One was probably three years ago with God as a gentle lion and one from last year that revealed the platform He has given me will expand no matter how much I tried to force it back small. Once I stopped fighting its expansion, I was able to move on. What's key to point out is that afterwards, I was peaceful and walking with ease, just allowing things to happen.

I realized after putting some pieces together that the concept of surrender is far greater than I had previously conceived it to be. Once you stop fighting the feelings and surrender to them, they can no longer control you. Once you stop trying to force your way and follow God, things fall into place peacefully...you will get those things that God intends for you. Once you accept things and people as they are, you are freed. Control is a false mental construct that makes us believe our input or hands on/in a situation can alter its outcome. While we can often alter an outcome, it's usually never better than if we would allow God to lead the way. How do I know?  I've made many the mess of a situation only to turn back to God. I ran from His instructions and eventually returned back to Him to do what He said in the first place. When I didn't have the strength to do things, He gave it to me. 

Surrender is often multi-faceted because we can only surrender those things we are aware of. If you don't know a certain thing controls you, how can you surrender it to God for deliverance from it? Healing? Progression? The key is in allowing God to show you everything about yourself.  It is often very difficult to do, but there is freedom in it.  There is beauty in that transparency.  It helps you to live authentically and without reservations.

Surrender isn't just praying about a thing one time.  Sometimes it's taking it back to God repeatedly until it no longer consumes you and you have peace knowing that it will work out how God wants it to. You keep taking this issue back to God in prayer until you no longer have the need to exercise control over or force it to be fixed by your hands or in your timing.  Or you can get fed up and release it once and for all.  I've experienced both sides of the coin.  Ultimately, it's relaxing into a place of peace regardless of the outcome.  Either way, if it is a one time thing or you have to continually "wash yours hands of the situation", its the complete release of a thing to God for Him to handle and resolve on your behalf.

Get to your point of surrender and trust God to work it out better than you ever could.  Life is sweeter on the other side of surrender!

Willing

*I wrote this during the first full week of February...my how quickly things change!  This all happened within the course of one week.*

After all this, God tested Abraham. God said, "Abraham!" "Yes?" answered Abraham. "I'm listening." He said, "Take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I'll point out to you." (‭Genesis‬ ‭22‬:‭1-2‬ MSG)

After all this, God tested Abraham. God said, "Abraham!" "Yes?" answered Abraham. "I'm listening." He said, "Take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I'll point out to you."

They arrived at the place to which God had directed him. Abraham built an altar. He laid out the wood. Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the wood. Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son.

Just then an angel of GOD called to him out of Heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Yes, I'm listening." "Don't lay a hand on that boy! Don't touch him! Now I know how fearlessly you fear God; you didn't hesitate to place your son, your dear son, on the altar for me." Abraham looked up. He saw a ram caught by its horns in the thicket. Abraham took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. Abraham named that place GOD -Yireh ( GOD -Sees-to-It). That's where we get the saying, "On the mountain of GOD, he sees to it." The angel of GOD spoke from Heaven a second time to Abraham: "I swear— GOD 's sure word!—because you have gone through with this, and have not refused to give me your son, your dear, dear son, I'll bless you—oh, how I'll bless you! And I'll make sure that your children flourish—like stars in the sky! like sand on the beaches! And your descendants will defeat their enemies. All nations on Earth will find themselves blessed through your descendants because you obeyed me." (‭Genesis‬ ‭22‬:‭1-2, 9-18‬ MSG)

I don't think my telling this in words via a video could do this justice. So here goes. 

Last year before I left New Orleans, I kept hearing 'a ram in the bush.'  I thought at the time it pertained to several different things, but the last of those was the church I would attend in moving back to Charleston to begin ministerial preparations. I had already gotten the affirmation of my calling through a complete stranger on one of my YouTube videos from which I cried. God was speaking so clearly to me. 

I have since realized in being back home God meant something else. In climbing my own Mount Moriah, I have had to bring a great many things with me: the desire of marriage and my own family, returning to my job with the navy, moving back to Atlanta, getting out of debt, having my own place...so many things. Over the last 8 months, God has stripped me and built me up in many ways, strengthening and deepening my love for Him through it all. I don't have it all together, but I know it will all work out. So that brings me to my latest fork in the road. 

I sent an email to close friends and family alike to pray for me as I have had a word of 'Move' in my belly for quite some time. It seems as soon as I surrendered the marriage burden and let go of some things, God began putting bait in front of me to focus my eyes on Him. It was very appealing and I had settled it in my heart and mind that I would move in whichever direction or location He said to. Since that time, I have had several job interviews, some favorable, some not but in the process God taught me my worth. It also taught me to speak up for myself instead of just asking for the bare minimum. But God wasn't done (and thank God He isn't done yet!)

You see I began the My One Word challenge in January where my word is live. I also read a few books, the Wild Goose Chase, the Best Yes and My One Word, that have all helped to point out things about me that needed to be changed so I can move in the right direction. I needed to make decisions for me, I needed to stop being afraid of failing or making the wrong decisions, I needed to stop being indecisive and letting things, people and situations decide for me.  I needed to release guilt from making my own choices.  I needed to live. 

In this process I've learned tons. In beginning the next books on my list, Crazy Love, which was inspired by the reading plan of the same name I completed, I realized today that I have been living so narrow minded...focusing in with a narrow lens that these things are about me...when they are all a part of the bigger plan of manifesting God's will through me. So it brings me to my point. 

Yesterday I had a reading from my other challenge, Love Does by Bob Goff, where we have to pray that God reveals Himself or His kingdom operating in an unorthodox place.  The reading suggested your city's red light district or your job, so I asked Him to do it at my job.  I have already submitted all the paperwork for moving and starting my new job.   Then in an instant, God showed me how He has been working for me here at my current job, how I have grown in leaps and bounds, how I have learned so much and matured just in working here.  All because I was willing to do whatever He said.  I left New Orleans and came back here when He said move, and then after this, I was willing to go again.  

I felt like Abraham much the last few years...that strange willingness to leave and go to the place He would show me.  In every situation I've faced, He has shown me where He wants me to be.  

The greatest lesson I've learned through Abraham and all of these experiences is to merely be willing. Go on the journey.  Take the step.  Trust God's leading, and when the path turns, keep walking.  Because most of all, through it all, the path is for you and you alone, so it will all work out better than you could ever plan yourself.  God only seeks a willing person to be willing to do His will...to be willing to trust Him to manifest His plans and glory in and over your life.  Trust that He will do it and consider it done!

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

In The Grand Scheme of Things

But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us ...  2 Corinthians 7:6

I got some devastating news last night that was confirmed this morning.  One of the people who was influential in my college career, including my becoming a Delta, passed away.  The worst part of this was that she passed away 3 years ago and I didn't know. Mrs. Crystal Wesley Lackey was an angel for me.  She made sure I had a job during my junior and senior years of college (I was a mentor at the Intel Computer Clubhouse).  She was definitely a should to cry on at various points and a pillar of strength both practically and spiritually.

As my mind is spinning right now, the one thing that stands out through the spinning, is whether in the grand scheme of things, is my desired destination and the things I am pursuing worth all the effort and losses along the way? Worth the weddings missed, birthdays that passed, friendships that have ended?  Is it worth it?  Is it worth the lives lost and the good-byes I never got to say?  Is it worth it?  I think that's why God made My One Word focus for the year to be "live".  Because in constantly pressing past the pain, overlooking it and sometimes ignoring it altogether to get to "some place", I've compounded the pain, which I still had to deal with (thank God I've done that now!!), and I have missed opportunities to be there for people when it meant the most.

I have comfort in knowing that Ms. Wesley wanted me to pursue greatness and to continue in the trajectory I'm going.  I have comfort in knowing that this woman, who helped to instill strength and wisdom in me at critical points in my life, is proud of me for doing all the things I've done in my life thus far, especially spiritually.  She would not have been disappointed in me for doing these things.

This has taught me that no matter how busy life gets, that its important to step outside of your bubble and make sure to connect with the ones who matter...because in the grand scheme of things, God blesses us, gives to us, and teaches us through the people He puts in our lives.

Rest in Paradise Ms Wesley...I'm forever grateful to you for your contributions to the woman I am today!

Let It Burn

Last week I finally burned my list of things I was releasing.  I was so busy after I came back from Mexico/Atlanta (I had an amazing time at the Google Sandbox and got a Google watch too woot woot), that I never got around to it.  Let me back up...you're wondering what list right?  So let me back up to the last 5 weeks.

On June 29, I began a course named "Calling In the One".  Every book God brings across my path I pray about and read if He gives me release.  One of the things I prayed about during my 40 day prayer challenge prior to my 30th was that I be prepared for marriage and motherhood, to be the best wife I can be to my husband and the best mother to my children.  Part of that process was the 21 Days to Freedom I did concurrently...sharing a secret to shine the light on the darkness caused by my molestation and to release it.  This course was the second part of that, rather the first part.  I saw the book a few times before but this time I heard read this.  It was about 2 weeks before my birthday. So I shared it with my friends that were praying with me and we began on the 29th. 

Over the last 5 weeks, my life has truly changed.  Part of it was identifying wounds I had merely covered with a bandage, things I had never truly given to God.  Most of it seemed to be the culmination of the journey of surrender that began last year in May with a dream I had.  And as only God can do, I've seen parts of that dream to manifest in the natural, as the reminder that everything I'm doing is God's will.  

So as I finally burned the list, I noticed several things:

1) It took a long time for the list to burn.  I assumed that since it was still paper (albeit drawing paper), it would burn pretty quickly and I could get back to my car and leave.  Wrong...and as that translates to life, sometimes, the monuments we create in life, the fortresses of anger and hurt we create are difficult to come down.  It took time to get them there, so it takes time for them to come down.  

2) I had to relight the paper several times.  So, sometimes, you have to restart your healing and forgiveness/deliverance process.  Sometimes you have to take a break, and work on only what you are capable of releasing at that moment in time.  Give yourself time to heal in between the breakings.  Give yourself time to process and understand why things happened or more importantly, to understand what lesson you can learn in hindsight.  

3) Sometimes the wind will blow...and put the fire out.  Recognize that life, and the enemy, will send obstacles your way to your healing and progression.  Don't let those obstacles stop you from getting your breakthrough. 

4) After it was all said and done, the last word that remained was "SELF".  I believe that it was part of selfishness, but I kept trying to burn that last word and in that I got a word.  God clearly spoke to me that the hardest thing to surrender is self.  How you see yourself, how you see you in relation to the things that happened to you...whether or not you acknowledge your wrongs and faults... The hardest thing for me to let go of what how I saw me.  But I'm grateful that along with all the things and people I released, I released the old me.  No longer is she here, but instead, I live and await the beauty of the things God promised me.

I am so grateful for letting go.  In these last almost 6 weeks of being 30, I have released people, apologized to people, owned my truth and released deep rooted scars and wounds, realized that I can provide correction in love and still have my feelings acknowledged, learned that I don't have to deny my feelings to protect others, and learned to just be free.  There is no more shame...no more needing to appease people...no more needing to cover up or make accommodations for people.  It's a total place of healing to be honest with everyone in your life with no intention to hurt someone.  I've also been able to see people in a different light, people I normally would have kept curbing.  I'm grateful to be open to life as God wants me to live it.  I'm free.  In freedom, there is abundance.  In freedom, there is healing.  In freedom, there is love.  Get free...let it burn.

He Loves Me

Have you ever heard a word that confirms and reaffirms everything God has spoken to you and has spoken through you for what seems like the last 10 years? I got that word this morning.  Sunday night I saw the title of the sermon by TD Jakes that I wanted to watch, entitled the Odds Against Wholeness, currently available on his site through the rebroadcast, it was Sunday's sermon. I made a reminder in my phone to listen to it during work. That didn't happen. Fast forward to today, Thursday and I listened to the sermon as I was driving.

From the moment he began preaching, I knew this was God speaking to me. This sermon addressed everything I've been focusing on releasing this week. It reminded me of how essential it is to our living that we forgive, Let go, and release everything is a guy so that we can be made whole.

Over four years ago, God put a word in my spirit for forgiveness. I've been trying to write about it for years but God keeps making me start over. It wasn't that I didn't learn that lesson, it was just that in certain situations it needed to be fine-tuned. But today He put all of the pieces together that He showed me over the years.

If this is your first time reading my blog, you wouldn't know anything about me. But for my regular readers, you know that I had a difficult childhood. From being accused of things I didn't do, a lack of affection, thinking that love has to be up-and-down or bipolar, discouragement and a lack of encouragement, being compared to other people, and being molested, these things shaped how I saw myself. I saw myself as a victim. A lot of times I was reaching out to people for help but I wasn't even sure of what I actually needed. I made sure to go away to college to run away from the horrible life I felt I had. Going away to college was freedom for me. But my problems followed me there. They stalked me in the late night hours and taunted me in my dreams. So much that I would cry out at night to God that He would heal my family and to heal me, to use me to help heal them. It was one of those nights during my freshmen year of college that God spoke "preach" to me. 

Since that time I have been devoted to healing so that God can get the full use from my life. And it's been in the last almost 30 days of being 30 that God did the ultimate, including this morning. For 21 days after my birthday, I fasted and did a video sharing a new daily secret that came about as a result of my molestation. It was in that time that God fully healed me from being molested. Today the sermon said you know you have been healed from something when you can do something you never did...I used to not be able to talk about being molested without crying. Some of those things I never admitted to anyone.  But it was today that God sealed it for me. 

Listening to that sermon made me recount so many things. I specifically remembered a sermon at my church in New Orleans from a visiting pastor, Do You Want To Be Made Whole. This came about after I had watched a movie with a guy that simulated the effects of our prison system on "test subjects."  One part of it bothered me so greatly, a weaker inmate almost being raped by a sexual deviant guard, that I went home and prayed to God why did that situation and situations where people were being victimized bothered me so much. He revealed then that I wasn't totally healed and I needed to be made whole and He gave it to me that same Sunday. 

The sermon I watched/listened to this morning touched on everything...from how the pains we experience take root deep within us and grow deeper the longer we don't uproot them to how it merely takes a seed (mustard seed faith in the word seed of God) to uproot a tree. I was doing the ugly cry because I know so many who needed that word and the reminder. I needed God to complete His finished work in me and He did it. 

What's funny is that I've been taking a course to open myself up to receive love, particularly the love of my God-appointed husband but love however God wants to give it. I've been able to address so many things through it and I'm so grateful! God had greater plans than that for me though. God poured out love as only He can. God became my husband in this season and I became the bride of Christ...He cleansed me from that shame and bitterness, took it all away to make me new for His use. But He reminded of a prayer I prayed, to be healed so I don't project my pain on my husband and children, and break the cycle. And He did just that for me!!!

In this process, I have truly come to understand what it means to love. In the confession I wrote, I affirm 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, specifically Love keeps no record of wrongs.  As I sat in the car crying, while driving LOL, it seemed like everything around me was moving slow. It's as if God slowed down time so that I could fully accept what He had just done in me.  Literally every single word He spoke to me was said in that sermon. Time to release. Revival. Renewal. Forgiveness. Freedom.

I had so many epiphanies, so many lightbulbs going off, so many puzzle pieces falling into place. And I realized, that I have the responsibility of being like Harriet Tubman in this season. Because I've been freed, it's my responsibility to bring freedom to other people. It's selfish of me to keep what God did for me to myself. So all of this is to tell you that whatever it is you haven't forgiven, or released, or been healed from, it's time to let it go. It's time to stop projecting your pain on to other people. It's time to stop being hurt and hurting other people blindly. Isaiah 61 is a chapter in that I know is my specific call. Just as Jesus read these verses allowed in the temple, I hear verses 1-7 over and over repeatedly in my head, especially verses 1 and 6. 61:6 or 616. 616 is my hospital room number from when I had my kidney transplant. It was literally the place where God gave me a second chance at life. I made a promise to God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do with my life.  And this year, my one word is live. But how can you truly live knowing that those you love and the people you meet aren't really living? That they're still in bondage? That they are still shackled and not free?

I know this was long and had a lot in it. But I want you to know that God truly loves you. He's concerned about everything single thing that concerns you. He wants you to be whole. Just like the man at the pool of Bethesda in John 5, He wants you to be made whole. He wants you to fully live.  

Today, I hope you stop seeing your pain in every situation and instead see it as an opportunity to get free. Turn it all over to God and let him heal you. Whatever your process may be, God is faithful to see you to the end. 

"I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord."

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭118:17‬ ‭AMP‬‬

"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭AMP‬‬

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21 Days To Freedom: Final Videos

Thank you all for watching the videos and commenting on this journey.  It's definitely been tough but I am more than grateful for God's faithfulness to me throughout this journey.  For the first time in my life I truly feel free.  I hope that you watch, and share with someone who has experienced this or any type of abuse.  It's time to start shining the light on the darkness in our world so that all people can get free!

Day 19

https://youtu.be/HNMPrYEtr4A

Day 20

https://youtu.be/eb5Xf7cyiss

Day 21

https://youtu.be/SeJ40WdoNEw

Final Reflections

https://youtu.be/f--cXw4y9oQ

Final Day 10 Day Vegan Challenge

https://youtu.be/6zJzTA6couo