Grateful to Live and Love

Yesterday as I was driving down I-20 at home, an unknown object was thrown from the car ahead of me and caused some serious damage to my truck and windshield and definitely shook me up (after looking, I believe the brownish object I saw was a brown beer bottle, perhaps empty).  It was today in reflecting on my state of gratitude (because so many things could have happened that didn't, I'm alive with no hurts and my truck will be fixed with relatively little out of pocket expenses to me Hallelujah), that I realized the first quarter of this year with the word "live" as my focus has produced gratefulness within me about where I am in life.  I am not all the way where I want to be yet, but I am grateful to look at life from a glass 3/4ths full perspective (that's usually how much I fill a cup) and I know that through everything that lies ahead, my life is still going upwards.

I realize that for the majority of my life, I was looking at life and everything that happened to me through a lens much like this same cracked windshield.  I saw things as pain, punishment, suffering, and truly all things that happened, were things I brought on myself in some way or somehow deserved (twisted right).  For so long my mind was under constant attack by the enemy.  Knowing what I know now, I see that the devil was plotting a grand scale attack, years in the making, so that I would be crippled for years to come to become who God desired me to be.  But thank God for having His hand on me and loving me enough to not allow that fate to manifest!  The truth is that the devil does that to all of us.  Ephesians 6:10-12 tells us that it is our minds that are the proverbial battlefield, not the physical things we face.  All it takes is for the enemy to plant a thought in your head to cause you to succumb to mass hysteria in some form and his plan to thwart your manifesting God's plan for your life is well on its way.  And it worked for me for many years.  I worried and stressed and cried and overanalyzed every single thing...to the point that I already talked myself out of whatever I was believing God for in less than 5 minutes sometimes.  But for deliverance and healing from that, I am truly grateful.  To live and be able to fight back knowing that God has already won for me is the best revenge.

I have shared with you all that my scripture focus for this year is John 10:10.  I say it to myself as a confession almost daily to remind me of what I am to stand on in faith.  I have truly come to understand what it means to have life to the full, till it overflows, lacking nothing.  Living life to the fullest was impossible for me pre 01/01/2015.  I was still so determined to control every aspect of my life.  Now, I know I will do it, and manifest everything God wants from my life because I have given Him the reins to steer and lead me where He wants.  

It is like God has performed open heart, mind, body, and spirit surgery on me, pouring into my heart the things I needed to give me confidence, strengthen my faith and reassure me of His plans for me.  I no longer am consumed with the things that the enemy was using to keep me bound.  I have moments like everyone does, but I have put out APBs for any thoughts that linger to contradict God's promises for me.  I am happy now and excited for the things that lie ahead and I trust that God has it all worked out for me.  For that I am forever grateful.  I have gone from mouth of the south to Selective Sally Sleuth, divulging my deepest secrets and desires to God and whoever He leads me to share with and I have gone from just being a hearer and sometimes speaker to a doer.  I owe it all to God.

Living isn't just going day to day doing the same mundane things.  Living is getting in the trenches and getting dirty.  It is a hands-on process.  Living is faith for me...because I trust that God will continue perfecting me day to day, bringing those things that I need to work on to my attention.  Living is a gift for me, and I love my life now.  It's amazing how losing friends and deepening the relationships with those I already had has blessed me.  The old Marquita was deeply hurt when people left me or God revealed a need to let a person go.  I now recognize that people's transitions in and out of my life are just them making room for better and more fulfilling relationships, whether lasting for a season or a lifetime.  I have disconnected from social media (I used to check them multiple times a day to now only going on Facebook maybe once a week or so) and in disconnecting, I have reconnected in a deeper way with those that count the most.  It's also truly amazing how God has used 4 little girls under the age of 3 to truly grow my once cold heart from the size of a raisin to what I believe is a normal sized heart now through witnessing and being a part of their lives.  Experiencing their successes and being a recipient of their love has done more for me than what I thought any person could do.  God has used the purest form of love to revive me, taking me a brokenhearted girl who looked to other broken people to fulfill my needs to someone capable of loving myself and others because God chose to love on me in an unimaginable way.  Of course some of these things have been in the works for a while now, but its in seeing the fruit being born in my life that I truly am grateful to God.  I no longer get upset when I cry because my tears are often of joy and laughter.  He has used those tears to wash away the hurts and bring me back to life.

It is only April.  I can't wait to see where I am by my birthday as I begin a new decade.  Countdown to 30 in less that 3 months!

Lessons in Integrity

The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.  Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”  David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! 6He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! ..."

2 Samuel 12:1-7

Thursday I received a message that dug into the depths of who I am.  For several years now, I have been praying to be a woman of integrity.  I am thankful for this season of reflection and unlearning and growth so I can really take note of what God wants to show me.  As it relates to integrity, the lesson was two-fold: it really helped me to look at my relationship failures and to look at myself with the magnifying glass to acknowledge how I have fallen short in this area.

I learned that integrity is more than just giving the cashier back the extra money she accidentally gave you.  When you think of callous and evil people we often think of people who cause wars or victimize children and women.  Yet, we don't think about the men and women behind the Enron scandal or Bernie Madoff.  We don't think about our slick-tongued politicians or even some people purporting to be our pastors for that matter.  But God does.

I realized today that I am proud of the progress I have made in becoming a woman of integrity but I still have some improving to do in this area.  I specifically remember situations where I have padded difficult truths with white lies (I was thee queen of telling a guy I had a boyfriend because I wasn't interested -- if you went to school in the AUC it seemed like the only way a man wouldn't call you out of your name or get unnecessarily aggressive with you), or avoided telling someone something they needed to hear altogether (like: you have a victim mentality and I don't wanna listen to your problems anymore or leave me alone, your prying is getting on my nerves), which caused me more hurt.  I have been on the receiving end too, like people telling me they would do something and then not showing up, or being lied to about being cheated on, or one of my favorites, being called a hypocrite behind my back but smiling in my face.  As I went through the questions in "The People Factor," I could really see how God has protected me by removing certain people from my life.  (Honestly, the tidbit I've shared here does not do this chapter any justice at all...or the entire book for that matter.)  I can also see how those relationships were doomed to failure from the start because the people involved, myself in particular, did not demand integrity.

The author shares the story of David and Bathsheba and the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  These are two of the greatest offenses that God personally addressed.  Here, with David, He spoke through Nathan the prophet and with Adam and Eve He spoke directly to them.

As I think today, if God spoke directly to me about my own offenses, would He be pleased?  Would He be pleased with you?

It makes me think about the parable of the talents.  If God can trust you with a little, then He can trust you with a lot.  I want God to be able to trust me with allll that He has stored up for me.  Fortunately, I am grateful to see the changes He has made in me, especially my growth in the area of integrity.  He has made me more comfortable having difficult conversations, and He has given me strength to accept those hard truths (about myself and others) and put on my grown lady undies to actually address those situations.  I trust God to get me where He wants me so that I can ultimately be the woman He called me to be.  I suggest you read The People Factor if you're ready for an honest look at yourself and to evaluate you and your relationships.  I'm grateful to say that God has me on the right track.  

At the end of the day, let God make you a man or woman of integrity.  Don't miss out on God's best by settling for less than you can give. Don't sit on the sidelines to your life while others take from you. You do have a choice. Choose to reflect Jesus to the world as you begin (or continue) your walk of living with and in integrity.

There was a man in the country of Uz named Job. He was a man of perfect integrity, who feared God and turned away from evil.  Job 1:1

Journey to Me: Letting Go and Living

This is probably the most transparent I have ever been.  I have actually been aspiring more and more daily to live in authenticity and transparency for a few years now but especially since God led me to do videos last year because I can't put on a façade for people. It is just too much work that I don't have the time or energy or care to do.  That's not me, nor will it ever be.  

For as long as I can remember, I have identified myself based on things about me and people associated with me, things I have accomplished, and things that have happened to me.  For example, I am my mother and father's daughter, I am a sister to my brothers, an aunt to my many nieces, biological and adopted, and a sister to my very close friends who have become my family.  I am also a college graduate and I have a Masters.  I am in law school so I am also a student.  I am a Software Developer as my job title stipulates.  I am a best friend to some people and probably a nemesis to others (I'm kidding).  I am a survivor: I survived childhood molestation, the trauma of kidney disease and transplantation in my early twenties (I can't believe I can say early twenties now either ) and I am the surviving daughter of my deceased father.  I have also identified myself based on my appearance: I'm brown skinned, short-ish with long-ish hair.  All of these "things" are how I have described myself.  I omitted this last one, that I am a Christian, because I prefer to say I am a follower of Jesus and a believer in the Most High God.  Another title I have is being a member of the Baptist church, although I personally don't ascribe to denominations.  In looking at me, I see how I allowed these things to box me in and its shocking that it has taken me this long to get past these "things" to understand who I really am.  I am truly grateful to have been getting to know me and I love who I am now and who I am becoming.

God told me to "live" this year.  It is only March and as I read more books, read the Bible more, pray more, and write more of what He shares, I shed those things I thought were keys to my identity and I really peel back layers as to who I really am.  I've learned you cannot really live if you don't know who you are.  A person will say one thing and do another because they do not know who they are.  And through this experience, God has solidified my belief that you cannot really learn and discover who you are without getting to know Him because He created you.  Society tries to impress upon you its standards of beauty, identity and acceptance to try and make you conform to the ways of the world.  It has been in my leaving social media and spending more time with God and myself that I have come to question everything that used to mean anything to me.  I have realized how much value I gave things that didn't really serve any true purpose.  I've seen how much time I wasted, not getting things done by being distracted (I'm much more productive now!).  Don't get me wrong, I have not mastered distractions, I've just been learning to acknowledge them for what they are and pray for focus and help when they are more than I can overcome alone.

I have had to question every single thing I believed about myself, everything I thought and was taught to believe as truth.  I'm grateful that God has given me the strength to do this, to uproot the lies and things I believed that were hindering me from becoming the woman He wants me to be.  I'm not done yet, but I know as long as I keep my eyes on Him, He will be sure to get me to my appointed destination.

I don't know where you are in your walk with God.  I want you to know though, at some point you will have to walk alone.  Just as Jesus stole away daily to spend time with God and spent 40 days in the wilderness alone with God, it is okay to be alone with God and to allow Him to show you who you really are.  It was in the wilderness that Jesus spent time with God so that after He finished fasting, He was able to defeat Satan with every temptation thrown His way.  It is only in allowing God to show you who you really are, that you are able to walk into His planned promise for your life.  You are more than just your body or your appearance.  You are more than just your denomination or belief system.  You are more than your past and your current set of circumstances.  You are more than what your family members see and say you are.  You are more than that addiction, that rape, that childhood neglect, that surgery, that teenage pregnancy, or that dropout.  You are more than that failure, whether it was a business venture, a job, a marriage or relationship of any type.  You are more than your sexual orientation and what you feel about yourself.  You are more than the effects of bad judgment calls.  You are MORE.  You can choose to allow these external and sometimes internal influences to mold who you are or you can choose to put an end to their control over you.  Stop letting the lies keep you in a box and away from your destiny.  Boxed-in living and thinking gives you a warped sense of reality.  Opening the box and allowing the light to shine on everything you once knew shows you just how limited you have been.

The only way to overcome and surpass these mere boxes or labels, is to pursue truth and get truth into your spirit.  The truth says, I am more than a conqueror.  The truth says I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  The truth says you are more than what you should eat or what you will wear.  The truth says that God loves you with an everlasting love.  The truth says you are wonderfully, fearfully, and marvelously made.  The truth says that we are made in the image and likeness of God.  The truth says that God cares for us.  And so, believe the truth today!  I now rest in knowing that God loves me too much to leave me the way I was and desperately wants me to become who He designed me to be.  Join me on my journey to me, by taking your own journey to discovering and becoming you.

Love ya!

Loose Control

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  Psalm 55:22

I have realized we often need the reminder to not worry or be afraid if we once regularly worried and feared.  This morning I had some epiphanies about us as mankind.  When Eve gave the proverbial fruit to Adam of which he ate, it transformed us into needing-to-control-everything (and sometimes everyone) people.  We no longer live life without cares.  It turned us into control freaks.  We feel like we have to control the things that happen in our lives and as a result, control other people that may be responsible in some way for those things that happen.

I was thinking of Abraham and how he is remembered for his great faith.  I was thinking then for a moment, of the character flaw this man had.  At one point along the way, he and his wife got impatient with God.  They decided to take matters into their own hands and as a result, Ishmael is born and Hagar begins to look down on Sarah in disgust.  

The consequence here of not trusting God and waiting, is a rift that has gone on throughout history.  Because of Abraham and Sarah's need to help things along, Abraham sends his first born son and his mother away after the child that was promised through Sarah is born.  Yet another rift, brother against brother.  

I then thought of all the times I have tried to help things along.  I didn't have patience, so I have dated some of the most wrong people for me.   I didn't know myself or who I was supposed to be, so I felt like I had to always be strong and help other people while ignoring my own problems.  I didn't trust or truly love myself so I have put myself in situations to be manipulated or used by others.  The result: I had years of baggage to unload, I didn't trust that I was hearing God speak and made some damaging choices, and I have had some heartbreak at the hands of family, friends and romantic interests alike.  I have had a period of unlearning, that I am still in, that has had me daily looking back and recognizing the error of my ways.  I don't share this to have a pity party; in fact, I see the blessings in my mess.  God kept me from far worse consequences than being single and being able to heal (this is a great blessing to me)!  I didn't marry the wrong man, I didn't kill anybody, lol, and no one killed me.  I am alive, well, and walking out my healing.

I decided today to, this time, loose the need to control and instead bind submission and surrender to God over myself and my life (see Mathew 18:18, 16:19).  I realize that life is a series of risks that need to be taken.  The greatest risk is choosing to lose control to God.  As I broke down the scripture above and I read it in different translations, I started to understand the purpose of the things I went through.  They helped to break me, to break the mold that I felt I had to fit in.  They helped me to see that I could not do everything alone and that I truly need God.  I need God to make the right decisions.  I need God to order my steps.  I needed God to open up and reveal my purpose to me.  I needed God to heal me and show me how I had allowed the enemy to capitalize on my pain.  I needed and still need God.

I realized how these things I have worried about have stolen my ability to surrender.  The more anxious I got, the less I trusted myself and the wisdom within me.  The less I felt I could trust me, the more I reached out to others, and at the time, not always the wisest people.  But now, as I try daily to turn everything over to God instead of letting the mindbots take off in any direction, I go back to God, recognizing that the area I'm struggling in at the moment, is just another area for me to surrender, to cast, to turn over to Him for help and direction.  I love this verse because I know without a doubt that this thing I'm worrying about does not have to shake me.  I can give it to God and let Him lead me.  Sustain means to support, to strengthen, to carry.  This makes me think of Matthew 11:28-29, where Jesus tells us to take on His yoke and He will take ours -- He goes further and promises us rest.  He will carry our burdens.  I can only rest well when I know all is well and will be well, that I have nothing to worry about or fear.  It then makes me think of 1 Peter 5:7, and I remember that I'm not supposed to worry about anything.  Then my mind goes to Matthew 6:25-34, and I remember how pointless worrying really is and at that very moment, I choose to seek God.  Worrying opens the door for the devil to deceive us.  Worrying tells us that we can fix the problem, that we don't trust God to handle it and that we are better than God at dealing with it.  Why get on the hamster wheel, knowing there are just some things that we were not equipped to fix?  Why do that to yourself?  Today, I hope you choose to loose control.  Do it as often as you need until you are comfortable leaving everything to God.  That's my new plan, and it is working out perfectly.

Love you!

Throw all your worry on him, because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Humbling Experiences

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.  James 4:10 NLT

I went from a furnished (albeit my college furniture) 2 bedroom apartment in 2012 before I left Charleston to a one bedroom room at my uncles then to a spacious 1 bedroom apartment but only my bedroom furniture, a folding card table, a desk and some book shelves in New Orleans.  God told me not to get furniture in New Orleans because I wasn't staying there.  I then went from my large apartment and plethora of junk, knick knacks, and expansive closet full of clothes and shoes to a bedroom I rent from one of my friends, a large suitcase filled with clothes for the summer, a carry on with other things and a loaded down truck of stuff, which included no winter clothes, back to South Carolina where I am now.  It just dawned on me that all the things that I once took comfort in no longer are important.  It also taught me to trust and listen keenly to the voice of God because He has only given me little pieces of the vision and the plan as the day goes by.  God has made sure to provide my every need throughout this period of time by making sure I had money to provide for those needs,and making sure that I am able to come and go as I please.  

I must be honest though, it has truly been humbling.  I had to buy a new coat (I got a beautiful coat last Christmas from my mom that I miss dearly and I have my sequin Uggs that I love - judge me if you must) and winter clothes...but I have to truly say I am grateful to God that I have been in a position to do all of this.  I have been in a place of transition for the last 6 months but I have learned to listen more closely to God's voice.  Some of the things I have had to do make no sense to anyone else, not even to me, but I am grateful because He is working everything out so that I understand.  

At some point in all of our lives the things we experience will make absolutely no sense.  We can talk to our prayer partners and family members to gain clarity, but we still cannot see the big picture yet.  It is at these moments that God is humbling us and positioning us for His greatest use.  But if we are afraid and fearful, we won't take that first step.  

I had this grandiose plan about returning here.  I also had a plan for the next three years.  That plan has gone completely out of the window.  But its so beautiful to see and be living in God's plan, will and purpose for my life.  I took the first step of trusting Him and allowing Him to lead me, and I am so excited for what lies ahead.  I encourage you to embrace your humbling experiences.  Allow God to have His way.  It will truly change how you look at life.  Let the adventure begin!

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.  1 Peter 5:6 NLT

A Reason to Say Thank You

**I wrote this last week and it's still relevant to share.  Hope it blesses you!**

I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.  Psalm 34:4

God felt it necessary to show me just how blessed I am these last few weeks of this year.  It served many purposes, but most importantly it restored and renewed my faith.  But last night was the greatest of those experiences.

A week from today, it will be 6 years to the day that God gave me a second chance at life. Everything about my kidney transplant was miraculous.  My surgery went fairly quick with no complications -- miracle #1, within 30 minutes of their removing my brother's kidney and putting it in my body, it was already making urine, and a whole lot of it -- miracle #2, I was up and moving around on schedule --  miracle #3.  There were a host of other miracles, namely how I didn't have to go on dialysis, how every diagnosis that came thereafter was reversed.  I didn't find out the biggest of those miracles until about a year or two later.  I found out from the doctors during my annual checkup in 2011 or 2012 that my brother's kidney, outside of us being blood related, was not a perfect match for me. And here I am, 6 years later, better than I have ever been.

But today God dropped it into my spirit all the things He kept me from despite what I have endured.  And I am truly grateful to God for loving me so much and knowing what I could handle and bear.  Sometimes we get caught in the storm and stay there complaining.  I admit, I have definitely complained and asked God why me.  I'm grateful to say though, that for many things that I have encountered and gone through, I know God is faithful and that He loves me.  I am stronger, better and wiser because of it.  So today, as we close out 2014, find a reason to thank God.  You are alive aren't you?

God Will Get The Glory

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I'm reading The Grave Robber by Mark Batterson and it is truthfully the most painful read I've had to do in a while.  The lessons are so necessary but it is truly helping me to see God in a new light and have a deeper and truer love for Him. 

We often complain about the situations we face and allow them to make us victims. It's been a while since I've sat down and had a pity party like that though (not that I'm planning one lol). After God gave me steps for forgiving others, I began the process by trying to explain away or understand why people did the things they did to me in order to let go. Then one day it dawned on me that I needed to forgive for the sake of forgiving and to truly be victorious in the situation.  I had to acknowledge God allowed it, so there must be some good for me in it or through it--that He would use it in some way for His glory.

I can say now with peace that many of the things I have experienced and since overcame, God has allowed me to testify about to others in the midst of the same things.  But it was this past weekend as I read a passage in the book that I realized the importance of accepting Romans 8:28 in regard to the things we face--and really understanding that God's glory can be gained in any situation. 

I relate to several people in the bible.  Besides Abraham, Job, Peter, Deborah, Hannah, and Esther, Joseph is a favorite person of mine. I have had dreams and shared them and I have been discouraged by those close to me.  I have been left in a pit metaphorically by those who are supposed to love and care for me.  I have been overlooked, forgotten and taken advantage of by those who are supposed to have my best interest at heart. What has served to give me peace and comfort is knowing that all those things that happened to me have purpose and a blessing at the end. God used Joseph's suffering to elevate and position him to be the savior of the world as he knew it via being named second in command to Pharoah after interpreting his dream. And He has used my testimony to inspire some that are close to me and now many I don't know. 

The particular passage studied is the miracle of Jesus giving sight to the man born blind. Like most of us do (ask God "Why?" -- don't worry, I do it often), the disciples asked why was the man born blind--or in present terminology, whose fault was it.  Jesus's powerful declaration that it wasn't the result of the man's sin or his parents but that the glory of God may be revealed through it hit my heart. It reminded me of Joseph's words in Genesis 50:20 (You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)  and it really opened my mind. Regardless of what you have done, what has happened to you, and when it happened, all of it will work out for your good.  God's work in your life will work out for His glory and your good. Even when it seems bleak and hopeless, God is too great to let the situation not bring Him glory.

I am grateful for this book and how God is revealing things to me as I walk closer with Him.  I have a great deal many concerns in my heart and I try to take them all to God and leave them with Him.  But today I know it was necessary to read these things and to accept that it will all work out.  When God is a making a testimony through the things we face, it seems like the worst thing that could ever happen.  But I now rest in peace after reading this book.  I accept that His glory will be revealed through all these things. It may take a week, a month or as in Joseph's case 17 years, but it will work out. I encourage you to choose to walk in victory today regardless of what you see in the natural because God will get the glory out of this!  See life through the eyes of faith.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  1 Corinthians 15:57