Masterpiece: Embracing All of Me

Please share with anyone you know who needs to walk in their truth regardless of those around them. Let's help some folk get free today!  Stop apologizing for being you. ❤️ Love you all...Marquita.

Sooo FYI Jazmine Sullivan's album Reality Show is thee truth. A song I love from it that gives me hope is Let it Burn, about the fire the love I will soon have with my future husband (whoever he is) will give me! But alas, my anthems from this album are Masterpiece and If You Dare. Both of these songs have encouraged me in unforeseen ways to be all of me. And just this past weekend with some of my antics I was all of me. There have been many nights that I've listened to Masterpiece on repeat and woke up beaming with joy. And this is my truth, my new reality. 

I had an amazing time at my linesister's wedding this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed my time with friends who happen to be linesisters. And I walked in my truth. My tipsy, dancing truth.

This weekend I was met with a Marquita I haven't seen in a while, the confident, social drinking Marquita that doesn't care what others think…my current version of myself doesn't care what others think anymore and I'm still very confident, but social drinking Marquita is sometimes very excited like a kid can be when all of her friends are together…and talkative😅. In the past this Marquita caused me a great deal of frustration because I often spent the days after those nights 😫 piecing together my memory of what I did and said the night before. This time I remembered everything I did. I had a great time, partying with people I loved.  And I felt no shame or remorse. Thank God for freedom.🙌🏾

In the years prior to this one, I felt such condemnation and guilt for so many of my choices. For partying, drinking on occasion and not looking like what everyone felt I should look like.  Growing up Baptist and even in my household, I felt there were things I was just destined to go to hell for and if I did those things the guilt and shame I felt would have me in my feelings for days and weeks on end…it was only until recently I was finally able to break the hold of it over my life. 

As I was heading home yesterday I had an epiphany about meeting my old self this weekend and loving her as the foundation of my new self. There are things about old Marquita that definitely came forward, but I am so very grateful for all I left behind. It's a beautiful place to see your own self as a masterpiece. To see yourself as a unique, original creation of God in all His glory IS what He wants for you. He wants you to acknowledge the greatness inside, the purpose, the passion, and the calling. He wants you to live an abundant life – as my focus scripture for this year reiterates (John 10:10). He knew all you would ever do and all you were destined to become. But He wanted you to allow Him to elevate you and your mind above it to become the you He molded and knit in your mother's womb. He knew the trials and tribulations you would face and the situations you encounter. Yet as Psalm 139:13-14 says, you are wonderful and marvelous…so why not live that way?

Sadly it took me 30 years to get here. Even sadder is the fact that many men and women never get here. They spend all of their lives in the dark, in the shame, in the condemnation and never get free. It's like I could walk naked (well I wouldn't do that but hey I could now lol).  Now I'm not advocating drunken debauchery or ratchetry, but I am saying be you...who God created you to be without shame. Remember before the serpent convinced Eve she was less without eating the forbidden fruit, she and Adam knew NO SHAME. Let's get back to that life, one off constant communion with God without pretenses and manmade fabrications of who He is, one of truth and peace and a continual flow of love in all directions.

The bible tells us to constantly renew our minds. Truthfully, I've realized that this is a constant fight, a battle to the end lest social media, society, the news and junk TV brainwash you into thinking you are not worthy or are less than deserving. But the truth is, you are a King or a Queen. You are who God created you to be…it is up to you to take the challenge to break through the lies and dispel the myths created to keep you from being your greatest self. So today, on November 23, as I near the end of this year focused on living, I am so happy to be me. I hope you find the courage to be happy to be you, too.

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Unappreciated Gifts

Until today, I never viewed being single as a gift. Sure I enjoy the fact of living alone (again finally yay!) – because I can come and go as I please without telling anyone. I can be as messy (or as clean is more like it) as I would like. I can eat whatever I want and when I want! I can pack up and catch a flight wherever whenever. If I decided to date someone, they can go home or never come to my home at all. I don't have children so I don't have to be concerned with the needs of another person. When I bring Parker up, he's the only other living being I have to care for outside of myself (he is a grumpy old man of a dog that acts like a child). So I can say that being single and childless looks great on the outside looking in. And this is how I viewed it…that I'm supposed to say it's a great thing when my feelings said otherwise.

However, I've always had a desire to be married. I've dreamed of my wedding day. I've imagined it extensively. I know the dress I want, I know what time of year and where I'd like to get married (given an agreeing husband to be), I've identified the participants, short of the groom's side. So when I believed I heard God about a time period I allowed my already overactive mind in this area to consume me. Marriage became an idol for me.

When God showed me that, I had gotten to a point in several hapless relationships that I decided I wasn't sure about it anymore. I realized I was attracting men that didn't meet up to what I said I wanted. So I took a hiatus and focused on me and what I was doing to attract the guys. At that point, my focus shifted to law school and work and ministry so I wasn't too pressed to date at all…truthfully I still don't really like to date(the whole process of getting to know some stranger bleh). 

Then something happened that I hadn't planned on. I began to focus on my dreams and healing, forgiveness and living life, and really having a great relationship with God. As I began to change and evolve I wanted to focus on gratitude and gratefulness to God for each day. I'm certain now that this is as a result of praying for deliverance from  a critical spirit and wanting to walk out this journey of focusing on embodying the way God wanted me to live with live as my focus word for this year.

I buy books any and everywhere I go. I got a book by Tony Evans – 30 days to Overcoming Emotional Strongholds – on my return from Atlanta two weeks ago and it has been truly a blessing. Today was a shift for me though. Today's readings finished out the week of focusing on overcoming the emotional strongholds related to stress. The readings culminated with the instruction to focus on gratitude and being grateful for everything we have. Of course I was happy because that's been my focus…more confirmation that I have been on the right path.  This week ended with practicals that included listening to the following sermon: http://youtu.be/hYsXqysRXig.  In it were several application points.  It wasn't a single focus on being married or single – but his words in the devotional and video collectively struck my heart majorly to the point of tears. Let me be real here. I have been spending the last 11 months with a focus on documenting reasons to be grateful. But today I realized a huge area of how I was being ungrateful.  It was hearing this scripture, "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows…" - James 1:17, referenced in the sermon today that I realized how truly ungrateful I have been at points in this season of singleness. Everything that God does is good. I didn't see my singleness as being good. In fact at points I've had thoughts and feelings that I was unworthy and undeserving for some unknown reason, or that because I was damaged as a child that I did not deserve love, or that my successes would continue to isolate me and prevent me from meeting my future spouse. In the sermon he drives home the fact that God is the Father of lights and is unchanging.  As this scripture resonated with me today, I realized that God used this period to shine the light on the darkness that was within me as a result of being molested and many other things. He has used this season to love me and teach me His love by learning so many things, among those things how to love myself so I could properly love others. I could not properly love others or receive love by looking at life in a distorted way. Immediately 1 Corinthians 7 came to mind because it's been in this season of singleness that I received this revelation and the healing necessary to receive God's love in the many ways He has sent it. In looking to God – the Light – I have learned the truth, which is that God is abundant and because God is love, love is abundant and able to manifest however God chooses it to do so.

I prayed last week that God would help me to be content in this season and He truly has answered in a big way today. I repented yesterday for how I haven't been grateful and how I have been indifferent towards God about how I felt. I recognized yesterday morning and actually before then that the feelings I allowed to linger were a demonic attack.  I've been guilty of wanting to rush things along, especially in this area and a few others, and wanting things when I want it…but who doesn't.  I have had many moments of being happy in this season but I ultimately looked past this place in life – what I feel I lacked in being single – outside of working and traveling. In anger and indifference I would ignore how I felt…which was that there was something wrong with me because I felt that I had done everything that God told me to do. I gave the desire back to Him. I immersed myself in studying and preparing to become a wife. I wholeheartedly pursued my goals and dreams. I observed and took notes in the various learning situations He has put me in. But then I got mad because it really seemed that God was not answering my prayers, in this area and in others. I would be bitter at points that all of my exes have moved on to happy relationships and that I was still alone. I have constantly questioned myself on whether or not I should just settle for someone I don't want rather than remain alone. I didn't see how I could be content or happy when I had to suffer alone through the low points and difficult times, often not having people to talk to about it especially due to my life's assignment.  I felt like I didn't have a person to lean on at any of my low points and I felt something was wrong with me, that there was still something left to be fixed.

Today the sermon helped me to see that I fell victim to a grand orchestrated attack to focus on the things I did not have versus those blessings I do have. My frustration in this season has even tempted me to give up on this desire and to just live life as I wanted since it has appeared to not be a part of God's plan for me. I was very angry; very indifferent towards God about this. Fortunately I am wise enough to ask for prayer and I am grateful now that I pressed in and decided to continue to document my gratitude, even being grateful for these feelings because it forced me into God's presence.

If you've ever been at this point, whether in your singleness or in any other area, this is where thanksgiving and gratefulness comes in. I am able to be grateful to God for all the things He has done and is doing in my life. By choosing to see this season through the lens of gratefulness, I can see the silver lining and the abundance of God's love to be seen in this season. I often have to remind myself of the prayers I have prayed up until this point. I prayed that God would heal my heart and mind totally and deliver me from everything that would potentially be something I could negatively project onto my marriage and future children as a curse. I realize now that by seeing my singleness as a curse instead of as a gift or blessing, I was not being grateful. It goes directly against everything that I stand for now so I am so grateful for the light having been shined on this today. 

I don't what's next for me, but going forward today, I will choose to embrace this season as a gift instead of rushing onward. I will savor the hugs and kisses from my nieces. I will savor sleeping alone across the middle of my bed that I haven't slept in since 2014 😅 (yesss again in less than a month!!!) . I will relish in being able to travel and to live where I want to live, listen to what I want to listen to, sleep in super late, eat however, party, or be a hermit. I will cherish this time of getting into God's presence and to His heart for me because when that time does come for me, my attention will be divided. 

Love you lots!!

Marquita

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New Chapter

If you're an avid reader like me, you look forward to the next chapter in the book you're reading. There are varying types of chapters in books.  Some chapters merely continue in on the story with no clear transition. Some chapters end with dramatic cliffhangers, giving you nothing to indicate what is coming ahead but an abrupt, jarring climax.  Some chapters set you up for the next chapter by giving you enough to infer what is going to happen, but not enough for you to put down the book. And then some chapters just fail to deliver and leave you with a what was that? Lol

Well for me, at least for the foreseeable future, my chapter in Charleston has ended. As God does to me, it's always a roll of the dice as to where He will send me next. This chapter is one of those page turners that you don't expect...the lead character gets an opportunity not expected and moves! And this morning as I made my drive, it rained. Rain is a good omen, at least for weddings.  This is a marriage of sorts, of my purpose and willingness to follow God wherever He calls me to. Rain symbolizes new beginnings and a washing away of the old to usher in the new. And I'm truly so grateful!!

The hardest people to leave were my family in Charleston. The last 2+ months God blessed my nomadic journey by living there and truly being loved. I cried as I hugged my niece and brother for the last time for the next few weeks. Yes of course I'll see them again, but it was one of those chapters that leaves the lead character permanently changed for the better. 

So I look forward to my new beginning...in less than 2 hours I'll jump feet first into it. Lesson here: be grateful and live the journey. Don't be so destination-centric that you don't live. Don't be so bent on getting where you want to go that you miss God's nudges for your growth and the call to adventure along the way. 

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All I Have To Give

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 1 John 4:4

I don't know what happened yesterday and this past weekend...but I experienced a lot...great things.  So many things that I had a semi-clear understanding of became clear.  God pressed my heart to finally reveal an area of struggle with you all and to talk about how He's delivered me.  

For many years I struggled with the concept of celibacy...of choosing to turn away from fornication.  With this being one of the biggest issues that the church faces, it's shocking that it is seldom discussed and most ministers are mum about it. Why you say, I honestly believe that many people don't really see it as a sin.  Or if they do, they don't see it as a big sin. But see here the very contradiction to that way of thought:

"I have the right to do anything," you say—but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13You say, "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both." The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

We are told to flee sexual immorality. But clearly that ain't happening anymore. With the highest numbers of children being born out of wedlock and the resulting single parent homes, people are having plenty of unmarried sex. I know because I was on waning the number. Yep people with callings and practicing ministers fall into this too.

At the point I came to terms with the assignment that God was calling me to, all I had left was a broken and tattered heart. I was single and not really sure I wanted to be and because of how I saw myself, I was not sure I was of any use to God.  1 Corinthians 7 provides a wealth of clarity on the benefit of being single and I suggest you read that to maximize your time and life in a period of singleness, but the passage above from 1 Corinthians 6 is the passage that convicted me.  I'll be honest, I've been celibate many times until I would get involved with someone, and like many in my generation, I fell into the habit of giving myself to that person, who was not my husband (clearly because I'm single) even though that person was someone who I wasn't sure I would be with forever. If I'm honest, I hoped that God would bless the relationship despite my disobedience. And sometimes God does that. It became a means of validation for me; it was a stupid lie that tricked me into believing that my giving my gift away would somehow help us to stay together. Nevermind the fact that the mole hills of problems that were budding always grew exponentially into mountains after that. My worth as a woman was measured by my ability to be able to please a man sexually or worse, to wait around for him to stop lying and become the man I saw he was supposed to become. I can't say that all people who fall into this pattern and view have the same root cause -- for me it was molestation and a need to be accepted and a desire to be loved -- but we all have been attacked by the same root spirits, perversion, lust and bondage. Perversion comes into play because the world told us and still continues to tell us that waiting to stir our passions and awaken love is played out...all the while opening the door for even worse things to come along. Lust comes along for the ride because it attacks our eyes by almost creating a hunger for the object of our affections and makes us victims to the whims of the flesh. Bondage seals the deal because we think we cannot break free, and so we have to keep doing the same things. Sex is a primary selling factor for everything from cakes and cars to the wildest of our dreams. The world promotes our compromise, our defiling of our temples. And because we buy into the lies, we cut more and more of our spiritual umbilical cord.

Now I'm not sharing this to condemn anybody. In fact, I want to help you and save you from making the same mistakes I made. If you can learn by reading my testimony, then read and get your freedom.  

So I don't really know how to start. My truth is that I'm not a virgin. I've been sexually active in the past, and my promiscuity used to be an area of shame for me. I've been involved with different people since I lost my virginity which caused me to pick up tons of baggage I didn't want or need. It's taken me years to heal and let go of the wounded-ness I've received as a result of choosing to get outside of God's will. It was like books stacked upon books, and boxes stacked upon boxes because I would go from relationship to relationship, compressing my pains and compounding it like interest on stocks. People talk about "soul ties" but they don't break it down for you. I had them. I was still caring about people who trampled on my heart and feelings, lied, manipulated and cheated on me after saying they loved me. I was bamboozled with talks of marriage and forever. I was still sticking around at times like a puppy wanting the skewed and distorted perception of love I thought I was receiving from these people. It wasn't until I started asking myself very pointed questions about why things were happening to me and what was it about me that attracted those types of people that I experienced a shift. It was at these times, often points of breaking and intentional consecration that I was able to understand what was going on in me. It was the sex, or at least the Pandora's box that opened after it, that kept me in that cycle. It was giving away my treasure to men that may have loved me in that moment and expecting them to fill a God-sized void. How foolish of me.

I remember a conversation with a former mentor; it actually has been heavy in my thoughts lately. She described our bodies as treasure boxes. Each time we got involved with someone who wasn't our husband (or for you men, your wife), that person would take and take and take, not depositing anything but their issues (transferal), until all you had left was brokenness, heart ache, and a plethora of other issues. That resonated with me last night, and it happens across the board in all relationships, but especially sexual. I ask you today, what do you have left to give? You can't love yourself properly, or anyone else for that matter, from brokenness. When I realized this, I knew it was time to change.

This was heavy on my heart last night and honestly has been a recurring press over the last few years. I started to write about this topic back in 2012 and even before then but truthfully I wasn't ready because I hadn't allowed God to pour back into me. Two songs were on my heart last night, All I Have To Give by Mali Music and Fill Me Up (sung by Casey J, Tasha Cobbs, and PlanetShakers)...and this was what I needed. All I had to give God at the beginning of this journey, several years in the making, was a broken, wounded heart. I needed God to pour back into my empty treasure box. I needed HIM to love me, to validate me, to love me, to assure me that it is okay to go against the norm, to trust His voice and words to me, His instructions and His guidance. I needed to know true love. I won't say that it's easy living this way. In fact it's hard because it is a call to surrender yet again. The wonderful thing about this though, is that I know if no one is here with me, God is here. I know that if no one sees me or loves me, God does. I know that if no one appreciates me or validates me ever again, God does.  I'm grateful for His press in this area, because I have so much clarity now. I have so much peace and it is truthfully very comforting to know that I don't have to compromise any more. Making flesh-based decisions, whether sexual or in any other manner, leads you off and onto unknown tangents that ultimately steer and take you away from God. Today, I encourage you to take a long look at yourself, especially in this area, and see if you want your life to change and be different. Trust God to fill your box again, to make you whole. He will make all things new. ❤️

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3rd Quarter Update: Live and Make Room!

Hey Y'all! This is LONG in advance lol. Bear with me. Read through to the end if you can, lol, and watch the videos if you'd like!

I really pray you are blessed.  I made a 10 minute video trying to summarize all of this...but honestly its too much and does God no justice. I know some of us quantify God's goodness, so to encourage you all, I'm sharing the miracles I've experienced these last 3 months. The short of it: God is so very good... He's great... He's amazing... He's indescribable... He's magnificent... He's better than all of that and I'm humbled every time I think of how much He loves me. For anyone to go to such great lengths across the varied areas of my life to prove His love when He doesn't have to...I'm just so grateful.  And to think I wanted to force things to happen my way, and getting my own way would be by having things happen in my timing...to think of the messes I've been in and the messes I've averted by just letting God lead is incredible.  I wanted Him to do things on my timelines how I thought it needed to happen and if He had, I don't want to think about how things would have been. I absolutely accept that when you want something done big and fabulous, let God show you up. He doesn't do anything half way.

"Live" to me now means accepting opportunities and blessings as they come.  Live means loving unconditionally and without boundaries.  Live means accepting God's love however He chooses to love you. Live means giving God the space to be just that -- God.  Live means loving people even though they aren't living as you'd like, reciprocating your love, being good friends, or even being good to themselves.  Live means sharing your testimony and paying it forward by being a blessing to someone else.  Live means not being selfish and sharing the bounty.  Live means walking in your truth and being true to you and who God created you to be. Live means letting go so you can truly receive.  Live means uprooting up the ugly, infected parts of your heart and soul so that you can truly heal and in healing, create more room in your life and heart for God's glory to be made manifest.  Living means the opposite of dying.  Live means thriving, warm red-blood flowing through you and just being the awesome person God created you to be, flaws and all.  Live means letting the diseased balloons of poor self-esteem, self-image and self-worth go to float away and embracing the truth of who you are.  Live means you stop apologizing for who you are and how you are living when you are walking in God's truth for you. Live means killing comparison and embracing joy. Live means taking calculated risks and stepping out of the boat to walk on the water in big, bold faith. Live means not letting your friends stay behind in the boat, and at least making them aware of how it feels to live beyond the walls.

So the last three months have been nothing short of beautiful...miraculous and wonderful. I've being doing Project Miracles (see this video here: https://youtu.be/uhFGkleegxY) based on the book Make Miracles in 40 Days for the last 3 months now and God has removed some of the ugliest hurts I've had in the process.  I went from being someone who was optimistic because it sounded like a good idea to someone who genuinely sees life with optimism and hope and excitement daily.  I've learned to love, made the decision to be all of me and vulnerable with the right people, and to take calculated risks because the life I see me having and living is waiting on me to choose it versus living in fear and complacency.  Since then, I've let go of a lot more dead weight and baggage. The biggest thing...I acknowledged how I felt and the secrets I kept about being molested. I finally let them go and gained peace in ways I never imagined.

After I began Project Miracles, I did Calling in the One, which came as an answered prayer (to be prepared for marriage and parenthood) during my pre-30 prayer challenge.  I completed it in 8 weeks (I got behind by a week) and in the process, I actually truly invested in myself, something I rarely do. I've gone on dates, opened up my heart to receive and I've learned to accept me as I am instead of beating myself up, including not questioning my likes/dislikes/desires. I embraced being okay  with learning all I can about marriage but enjoying my singleness. But the biggest gift in this process was receiving love however God manifests it. This process made me want to get deeper in my relationship with God. It made me crave God and want to really embody being the Virtuous Woman. One of the biggest blessings was in having a tangible surrender process through the use of my Godbox (one of our assignments) -- a place where I can release things I've been worrying about and where I can literally cast them at God's feet.

While I was doing CITO, I also began meditating regularly...and specifically focused on Love and Prosperity.  I began to brainstorm ideas of ways I could use my passions to create wealth and how I could love on me more to in turn be more loving to others. In the process, I learned the art of being present and really living in the now (I read part of that book actually, The Power of Now, and this process made it plain for me.)  It's amazing being present and actually celebrating/enjoying the people and places in your life.  Right now, I'm doing meditations on letting go and I've repaired some relationships, apologized to some people and opened myself up to receiving the right people in my life.  I cried the ugly cry many times as I realized the things I was holding on to that were keeping me from living and truly loving.  Now that I think about it, these last 3 months, and truthfully this year, were a season of purging and pruning to ready me to receive everything God has for me.

Of course I've experienced losses (but good losses!)...loss of the lies I believed about myself.  I've lost some friends and recategorized relationships.  I've lost the inhibitions I had. I've lost the insecurities and identified others that I must release. I've released the reasoning I used for not stepping up and stepping out.  I've lost the need to overthink things all the while trusting my gut and decided to accept people exactly as they are and love them anyway, whether they are an active participant in my journey or not.  I've lost the need to lie to myself (and God) about the things I ignored.

I've given myself permission to live. To love people right where they are, to speak up and speak out.  I've given myself the keys to freedom and to be me without reservations.  I decided to stop trying to control things a while back, but being controlling dies hard.  Fortunately no thing is immune to prayer.

I've read so many books I can't keep up (and I decided to complete one book a week as a new habit). I'm taking classes so I can improve myself and  execute every area of business I can think of, and I decided to stomp across the water and make a splash in major ways.  I decided to stop living behind the scenes and to shine in the lights. While I won't divulge every plan I have, I will say that I'm glad God answered my spoken prayers and unspoken thoughts.

To think, this whole process began with one word. Live.  And I'm doing that.  God is so funny!! Psalm 118:17 was a verse I confessed for  my healing...and a song by Darlene McCoy just came on my playlist that is saying this scripture. "I shall LIVE and not die."  For years I was dying y'all.  I was miserable. I was broken. I was hurting. I was willing to give up.  But I'm glad for all those years ago. All the prayers I've prayed. All the prayers God has answered and the ways He chose to answer. I am glad that I am living. I am grateful that I don't let life pass me by anymore.  I'm glad that God chose to save me in 2009, and truthfully all the other times before then so that I could live this life now.  The greatest risk I took was to trust God with everything, to surrender, and I'm glad I gave in to Him.

Lastly, so at the beginning of the final quarter of 2015, I will live in a new way: I'm moving again. I "randomly" updated my résumé on Monster and had been receiving calls about jobs and emails multiple times daily since the end of August (about a week after I began this prayer challenge) and on Friday I interviewed for a job and was selected for it the same day. If you want to know how good God is and to understand what He can do for you...think about Him increasing your salary multiple times in less than 15 months and healing you completely from years of torment because of being molested.  If God never does anything else for me, He's done enough.  He changed my mind, how I thought, how I saw myself and how I looked life and others.  Only two years ago I was defeated by the fact I had not ever received a raise at my former job...I was grasping for a plan to get out of debt so that I could sow more into others.  I also did not know why I was so afraid to love and felt incapable of loving others wholly.  I knew it was the enemy coming against me so I had to put those things on the altar for God. I also had to realize "who" I was working for -- was I working for myself, my employer or was I working for God.  I had to overcome the lie of who I allowed the devil to tell me I was. I sowed seeds with what I had: my money, time, talents, and words of encouragement to others.  Since then, God has turned my life around in all of these things...to think now that at points these things consumed me, engulfed me even, is so surreal. I was hopeless.  But God!! He spoke to me one day and began to clear away the lies.  "No more!" These things began happening when God took the blinders off my eyes and I was able to truly understand that He is a limitless God. He elevated me in every area of my life so I could go back and help lift others. These things happened because God wanted me to know I didn't have to be in control anymore, that He will take care of me as He has and does daily. I can't take credit for anything other than doing the work He led me to do and expecting Him to blow my mind.  He has truly done that...if you would have told me these things were going to happen a few years ago I would have laughed at you in disbelief and walked off.  I really can't wait to see what this last quarter has in store for me and 2016! 

So in all of this, I encourage you to live too! I encourage you to seek God for the one thing you can focus on, to allow Him to shape your year and your life through that one thing.  He has taught me to live in so many ways, and He opened my eyes to how I was not living all these years.  I was in bondage, afraid, limiting myself, and now I can say it's all God who did all of these things for me.  Your suffering is not in vain, and although God may not do for you what He's done for me, the truth is that He is not incapable of it. He can do the same, less, better, and different. There is nothing God cannot do. God is limitless. God is Love, and love is the most abundant resource in the universe. Take your every need, concern, desire and want to Him and let Him reorder your life. Don't continue in sin and settling for less than God's best for your life by thinking that your sin is too big for God to deliver you from -- I've had my share of issues, being judgmental, critical of others and myself, doubting, unbelief, fear, lying, struggled with not trusting God for my husband and choosing to do things my way, to include compromising...I had to let it go because I was losing.  Stop losing today! Stop limiting God. When you do that, you begin to make room for the overflow. Be encouraged y'all! I love you!!!

https://youtu.be/Dor43XYkKEI

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

Go and Make Amends

"And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings."

‭‭Mark‬ ‭11:25-26‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Often in the forgiveness cycle, we hope and wish that those who have wronged us will come to us and ask our forgiveness so that we can forgive them. But as I've learned and perhaps you've heard, forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you to move on. 

However, if you're intuitive and seek God to reveal ways and areas you need to improve, He will burden your heart before you go to bed, sometimes days on end lol, to let things go and right your wrongs. What's even funnier is that I've been asking God to reveal to me situations that I need to release and let go that are holding me back as part of my letting go and releasing meditation series this month.

I know of several situations where I've felt wronged, but two in particular come to mind tonight. In both of the situations, I feel my views were validated and that I was entitled to how I handled the situations. These are clear situations where I need to let go of the wrongs I perceived.  Because contrary to popular belief, perception IS NOT reality. What you perceive to be true is often the farthest thing from the truth. And now I understand why God pressed my heart so heavily about communication earlier today. Communication kills all the speculation. When you go directly to the source and talk about your issues instead of allowing your insecurities and pride to lead you astray, you can fix the issue. Nip it in the butt. Kill it. And on the other hand, the origins of the wrong, whether rooted in someone else's insecurities or pride, is not for you to fix, but for you to turn over to God as part of your forgiveness and release of the situation. 

You have to ask yourself, is holding on to your self-preserving, prideful view of the situation where you have been wronged worth allowing the devil to win and permanently poison the potential of the relationship?

I don't know about you, but the first part of these scriptures, Mark 11:22-24, carry a heavy mantle that I claim as my own. The only condition of receiving this mantle is to forgive. So today, forgive and let it go!

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Touching the Only One Who Matters

"And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, And who had endured much suffering under [the hands of] many physicians and had spent all that she had, and was no better but instead grew worse. She had heard the reports concerning Jesus, and she came up behind Him in the throng and touched His garment, For she kept saying, If I only touch His garments, I shall be restored to health. And immediately her flow of blood was dried up at the source, and [suddenly] she felt in her body that she was healed of her [distressing] ailment. And Jesus, recognizing in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around immediately in the crowd and said, Who touched My clothes? And the disciples kept saying to Him, You see the crowd pressing hard around You from all sides, and You ask, Who touched Me? Still He kept looking around to see her who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done for her, though alarmed and frightened and trembling, fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, Daughter, your faith (your trust and confidence in Me, springing from faith in God) has restored you to health. Go in (into) peace and be continually healed and freed from your [distressing bodily] disease."

‭‭Mark‬ ‭5:25-34‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I signed up for this reading plan on the Bible app called Imaginitive Contemplation. This reading plan is based on a practice of guided prayer by the Jesuits. My first law school was Jesuit and I wish I had the opportunity to go on one of the silent prayer retreats now...I may find one. This plan has been a tremendous blessing to me, especially today. I'm grateful because in signing up, I found another app named Abide that does guided prayer which will be helpful since I've been doing guided prayer meditations lately outside of this!

So each prayer in the plan is about 15 minutes or so and includes meditation music, the scriptural focus, and a guided direction through the scriptures as if you were there.  In the entry today for the woman with the issue of blood, I found myself in tears because I was able to relate to her story.  I know what it's like seeking healing and being given diagnosis after diagnosis. I know what it's like going to one doctor that's dead set on a treatment plan that may not have been the best for you and you ending up worse. I know what's it's like to feel you've reached the end of your rope. 

So as the speaker led me through the prayer, I saw myself as this woman. I pushed through the crowd, trying to get to Jesus. No number of excuse me's would get me through them. I became indignant because reaching Him was my only chance, my last chance for healing. I finally realized that I spent so much time seeking everything else, relationships, career, dreams, and healing but I did not seek Him.  Once I left all these things at His feet and began to seek Him, I was able to reach Him. Then He turned around and acknowledged me, restored me, validated me, and has still been loving me in miraculous ways. 

After that experience, the love I felt and the love I've experienced these last two months made me realize why God went to such great lengths to get me to surrender. Now instead of wondering what will happen, I know and don't question without a doubt that what God has spoken to me will happen. I don't look at my journey as a curse anymore. I don't question God's love for me. I have things I'm uncertain of but I trust that it will all work out for my good. We all have different roads in life but we all need God. Instead of looking to things and people, today, reach to the one the matters the most, finding in Him everything you need.

"And He said to her, Daughter, your faith (your trust and confidence in Me, springing from faith in God) has restored you to health. Go in (into) peace and be continually healed and freed from your [distressing bodily] disease."

‭‭Mark‬ ‭5:34‬ ‭AMP‬‬

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Are You Sinking, Walking, or Looking from the Boat?

22Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He dismissed the crowds. 23After dismissing the crowds, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone. 24But the boat was already over a mile from land, battered by the waves, because the wind was against them. 25Around three in the morning, He came toward them walking on the sea. 26When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified. "It's a ghost! " they said, and cried out in fear.

27Immediately Jesus spoke to them. "Have courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

28"Lord, if it's You," Peter answered Him, "command me to come to You on the water."

29"Come! " He said.

And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the strength of the wind, he was afraid. And beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me! "

31Immediately Jesus reached out His hand, caught hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt? " 32When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33Then those in the boat worshiped Him and said, "Truly You are the Son of God! "  Matthew 14:22-33

This weekend I had a "Come to Jesus" moment with myself about the current direction of my career and things I would like to be doing in the near future here. I can't do the things I'd like to do right now technically because I haven't allowed myself to be challenged.  I have to thank my linesister Janelle for a recent post of hers that has stuck in my mind...I need to be willing to lose some sleep for these things I want to do.  I realized in a great conversation with another of my Sorority sisters this past Sunday that I really needed to apply some great tidbits I took from an article I read, most notable the paraphrase below:  

"You should switch jobs after you've learned all you need to know."

I honestly asked myself if I knew all I needed to know...and I could definitely say no. So I had to pray.  I know I'm to be here for a while longer so I need to get all I can.  This relates to my dear friend Peter because in this story there are 4 types of people and I need to pick who I am in this season.  Being that I have a picture of a woman walking on water on my vision board with the words "Have Walk On Water Faith" written by my own hand beside it, I need to be like Peter when he got out of the boat and walked on the water and aspire to be like Jesus -- who confidently stood on the water as Peter walked.  So I felt led to share with all of you the insights I gathered from the different people present, and after looking at this list, determine who you are.

First, there is Jesus.  Jesus is fully assured of His identity, of His sonship, of His personage and all his capabilities.  As this relates to work, Jesus knew what He could and could not do.  He had a detailed plan for each day as a result of His deliberate stealing away to pray and putting into action what He saw the Father doing (John 5:19). Ask yourself, do you have a to-do list? Do you have a predetermined goal or thing you'd like to accomplish for your day? Do you focus on one task and execute it?  Many times, I've had several goals, been distracted and ended the day without having completed any of it.  Jesus was methodical, even if unorthodox, but He completed everything He had intended to do.  Have you accomplished the goal? Learned all you can learn?

Next, there is bold, get out of the boat and walk Peter.  This Peter is a G (lolol).  He gets up in the middle of the storm, gets out of the boat and begins to walk. In layman's terms, he makes up his mind, sets a goal, puts it in front of him to be his focus and gets to it.  He aims at his target, and shoots. Have you gotten out of the boat? Have you set a goal? Have you put processes and mechanisms in place to achieve that goal? Do you have a plan? Have you made peace with that plan and decided to charge full speed ahead?  I've done this many times.  I am the queen of planning and goal setting.  I get excited by having things to aspire to.  I set the plan in motion and make calls, get things going. I take the initiative to learn all I can. So be honest with yourself. Have you stepped up to the plate?

Then, there is flee in the face of danger Peter.  This Peter is a wuss (albeit in his defense, I probably would have been a wuss too walking on water in the middle of the sea).  You see, the storms that rose up on the Sea of Galilee where pretty much like our hurricanes.  The conditions around Galilee were perfect for trapping in cross winds and would cause the water to have pretty good chop; it's easy to understand and rationalize how Peter became scared and began to sink, especially when the scriptures tell us the conditions were already rough.  The one good thing to note here, is that although Peter momentarily took his eyes off Jesus, HE KNEW WHO TO ASK FOR HELP.  So I ask you, do you know who to go to for help? At work, do you know who has what you need -- have you built a relationship with that person so that you can go to them to understand and to learn? Do you have a mentor?  Do you have working relationships with the right people? In your relationships, are you seeking counsel from wise, mature Christians? Have you looked to the Bible for direction and insight? Spiritually, have you cried out to God and been honest? Have you asked Him to open your eyes, to show you yourself? To help you get back on track?  I am proud to say I did that yesterday. I reached out to my tech lead and one of the other senior developers to get some direction so that I can get where I need to be as a senior developer.  Although I am grateful that God favored me and my collective skillset, because it was His favor that qualifies me for the blessings I have, I want to be a good steward over all He has given me and do my best here and in every situation and season I face.  God has given us all talents according to what we are capable of (Matthew 25:14-28) and I want to be like the servant with the 10 talents! This morning, another reading I had mentioned this passage, and what stood out there is that Jesus does not say Peter had no faith, but little faith. So he had some faith that could be exercised and could grow.  Don't doubt yourself today!

Lastly, there are the other disciples who stayed in the boat! They didn't even have faith enough to try and get out of the boat. What ideas are you sitting on -- better yet, what money are you sitting on? What things do you want to do that you simply lack the courage to try? What relationships do you want to cultivate, but are too scared to make the connection? Let me put it to you like this: what blessings are you keeping yourself from? I was this person back in 2011.  I felt like I was sinking and drowning here in Charleston. I wasn't growing, or at least I wasn't growing as quickly as I wanted to grow. I wasn't pursuing my dreams. God really loves using my sorority sisters I see lol.  I had a conversation with my Fav that helped to shift my perspective and change how I saw myself. From there I put the plan I already had in action.  It was then that I got out of the boat and began going after what I wanted to do, namely moving and law school (which I'm gonna finish in due season!).  So I ask, what is waiting on you outside of the boat?

I took my first step yesterday and actually asked for constructive criticism and ways to go forward in my current line of work...today I received them and have already begun to get to it. I love programming and I always have; I may sorta be like an addict because I love the excitement I get from solving problems, especially as a programmer (bka Programmer's High lol).  I have several plans in the incubator and one of the ways I can nurture them into the manifested stage is by taking full advantage of the blessing I have in my current job.  I have to thank God for putting me in a place that I can easily step out of the boat, knowing I'm surrounded by His love.

Today I encourage you to stop sinking and walk on the water, or at least wade while you get the faith to walk. Don't look with envy from the boat.

"Lord, if it's You," Peter answered Him, "command me to come to You on the water."  "Come! " He said.  And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus.  Matthew 14:28-29

Revived in the Fight

"This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that Your word has revived me and given me life. [Rom. 15:4.]"

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭119:50‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Today was a beautiful day...but it didn't start that way for me. I began a prayer challenge almost two weeks ago, or rather a period of warring in prayer. Every other challenge has been amazing, but this one hasn't been. If I'm honest, it has actually been very difficult. Why? God has called me to pray for some heavy things. Things that require a greater level of faith...people who I haven't had to pray for in a while...things I don't want to do!  But I fully accept the challenge now.

I knew it was different because I haven't been getting rest. I've been tired when I wake up. I was sick last week and I have been trying to shake it off. God reminded me that the devil loves to attack us when we are physically weary so I knew I needed to get rested in some way. But it alerted me to the seriousness of my prayer requests...the lives at stake, the destinies in jeopardy, the promises on the verge of abortion, the futures that were going to be miscarried.  So I committed to pray harder, seeking more scriptures and rededicating myself to warring in prayer as an intercessor.  Then this morning I just knew I needed to get up off my humps and go home. I wanted to go to my home church but I just couldn't get myself to leave. I listened to the live streaming of my church in New Orleans and God began His spiritual IV for one area of my prayers in that service.

So I had planned to go see War Room yesterday but the line at the movie theater was too long. So I planned to go after leaving the grocery store and unpacking the groceries. When I got in, I began to cook and it just didn't happen so I planned to go today.

So back to today...I just knew I needed to get home.  It began raining at 11:15am or so. So even in the rain, I drove home. I wanted to go to the movie at 5:00...but I didn't get to Columbia until 5:15, with the rain and almost running out of gas 😅.  I knew I had to see the movie today though. I started crying while watching my streaming service because they showed the preview of the movie and the Spirit hit me then.  

So when I finally saw it...it was waves of confirmation and caused me so many tears. Literally everything they mentioned in the movie were things I was already doing. I already pray for my future husband daily, I documented answered prayer via a prayer journal I had, I had a set apart area for prayer (well in New Orleans...and in my room recently)...the things I abandoned, I saw today that I needed to revive these practices. 

Maybe you've seen the movie, but it did for me what I needed today. It revived me. It gave me a divine surge of faith and encouragement to get back to God and the faith practices I had previously. It helped me to see the need to be so focused on God that you aren't overtaken by the distractions the enemy sends.  This morning I was overwhelmed spiritually...now I'm ready to keep pressing. I'm ready to speak life to dead things in my life and in the lives of those I'm assigned to pray for right now. I have many prayer requests that I've turned over to Him but I need to combine the prayers with faith and go the extra mile by backing them with scripture.

Like these scriptures say, I've been quickened by His word and I've been revived. Funny thing, this past week was revival at my home church. God spoke revival to me earlier this year and I believe today He revived some things for me and for those that saw the movie. Intercession is difficult at times because it requires a bearing down and a pressing. It requires the persistence of the Persistent Widow (Luke 18) and the bold faith and the audacity of the importune neighbor(Luke 11). It reminded me exactly what the prayer challenge is supposed to do. 

God has reminded me of storms a lot lately...and the kind of authority it takes to speak to a storm. Intercession is praying before the storm, in the midst and after the storm. It's holding God at His word for what He said. It's taking God back His word and demanding the obstacles submit to the truth of who God is. He was speaking to me today and for this season to stand up and remember who I am. Today I encourage you to be revived and remember who you are. 

I love you and I'm praying for you. If there is something specific you'd like prayer for, please message me at lifeinspiredbygod@gmail.com and I'll add you to my prayer list. Be revived!!

"I will never forget Your precepts, [how can I?] for it is by them You have quickened me (granted me life)."

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭119:93‬ ‭AMP‬‬

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Get A Word For You

***I wrote this on Friday!***

Many times I've found myself looking for a word for somebody...especially when they are going through or needing encouragement. I've even gotten to a place now of accepting that my struggles and battles aren't my own.

But today, after a great many things have drained me over the course of this week, I listened to God's words to my heart and got a word for me. 

I began reading a devotional - Character of a Leader - and today's readings spoke of Great Leaders and Authority.  Although the reading was excellent, and definitely something I'll apply at work and in all my endeavors, the word for me was in the highlighted verse.  Matthew 8:26.

It reminded me that even in the storms of life, I can have peace. It reminded me that even when I'm serving others and possibly going through, being tormented or tested in my own life, I can have a perfect peaceableness. Because I submit to God and  I trust in the authority of Jesus, I can rest and go through the storms of life with confidence. That was the word for me today. That with everything going on, getting pulled in every which way, be still and remember who has the authority. Trust in Him, rest in Him and be assured that God within me will get me through and has empowered me to speak to the storms. 

Don't be so busy that you don't submit to God for your daily dose. Don't get so lost that you find yourself drowning. Invite Him in and get your word. 

Take A Risk

Hey y'all!

To be honest I can't tell you the last time I wrote for Straight No Chaser...but I felt it in my heart this morning as I was reflecting before beginning my day that I needed to bridge my two "personas" --my two blogs by sharing my journey over the last 2 months, and honestly the last 8 months.  

Straight No Chaser began last year almost as a joke and a platform for me primarily and a few friends to give advice on life/career and relationships.  Yet I knew I've always had a purpose in advising people to find the right solution for their problems...I'll be beginning life coaching soon!  With Life Inspired By God, the vision for writing was given to me in 2009 during a dream about my calling.  Since then, I healed from my deep rooted wounds by sharing my testimony with a biblical lesson.  It's my first baby and will always hold a place in my heart.  So to begin, my purpose in writing tonight is to encourage all of you to take a risk.  Here is my testimony.

At the beginning of this year, I undertook the challenge of finding a single word to guide my year.  It was quite a challenge, I'll say the least.  To squeeze your entire existence for the year into one word...on first thought was unheard of and unfathomable for me.  But as I began to "LIVE", for the first time in my life I began to understand all of the many definitions I wrote for the word.  I went from confirming the lessons I learned in evaluating relationships and friendships, to dealing with codependency issues, to shutting my mouth all the way down (from Loose Lips Lucy to Silent Bob), to sharing daily lessons before I hit the life-altering 30, to sharing secrets from being molested, to trying veganism, to "making miracles" by practicing gratefulness, to now finishing an 8 week journey to call in the "one" (wink wink) and truthfully manifest love in every area of my life.  I've probably read about 30 books so far (I'm stretching it a tad...maybe about 10 or 15 books...I honestly don't know.  But this was all possible because I took a risk, or rather a chance on myself.  I decided to sit out of law school this year.  Rather than be go, go, go Quita (SNC y'all know me as Sasha 😘) I decided to completely trust God to show me the way.

So these last 8 weeks between the gratefulness lists and the daily readings and weekly calls for Calling In the One, I've done a lot of changing.  I regularly meditate as part of my daily prayer time.  I maintain some form of physical activity every day.  I keep it all the way 100 with myself by acknowledging my feelings. My life has been in a constant state of change and transition. But my journey has been beautiful.  I don't think I've cried this much since I was younger, but it's been to shed the old skin, or as the Bible says, have new skin for the new wine.  

Like I said I've challenged myself...I've started dating again (whoo hooo 😱😝) and I've gotten to know me in ways I never knew myself.  I smile more, I'm happier because I've truly spent the last 8 weeks being grateful every day and realizing I do have a lot to be grateful for.  While all of the shifts have been traumatic, they were necessary risks.  

Before I turned 30, I prayed about this next decade and what it would hold for me. I know now to never say never and that adventure is on the other side of the door if you open it.  I prayed to be prepared for love and who knew just being honest about your feelings and being grateful and letting go of some old garbage you were unaware you were still holding would pave the way for that.  I'm not saying I met my husband, maybe I did and am unaware...but I took a risk to live and have allowed love to be my life supply.  

So my point in sharing tonight was to do a few things: 1) link my blog readership (I needed to revive my babies lol), 2) be transparent and merge all of me into one pretty unique box, and 3) to challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone.  Ironically enough, I've been seeing "get comfortable being uncomfortable" so much I know I'm talking to myself!  But seriously, take a chance on you. Whether it's doing some intensive healing, picking one word that is the overarching focus of your life for the year (seriously look up "My One Word" -- its been a huge blessing to my life, goodbye New Year's Resolutions!!), pursuing a dream wholeheartedly, or taking the journey to receive true love (whether he's a good friend, or she's the last woman on earth you could imagine yourself with), do yourself a solid  and choose you.  Choose you...by taking a risk and doing something that could change the entire trajectory of your life.  Choose you by putting things in proper perspective.  Choose you and live the life you have, not allowing it to pass you by like a bullet train.  

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...so take one now!

Love Is

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi everybody! I pray you all are blessed. I had initially thought to record this...but I'm in no condition to do that right now. So let's jump right in.

Over 5 years ago, on March 22, 2010, I was home in Columbia, at Richland Memorial Hospital with my family, in a chapel.  Hours before, my momma and I were home praying.  Doctors called us that morning and told us that my daddy was almost gone.  My momma couldn't make the decision to take him off life support.  God spoke to my heart that day to speak from 1 Corinthians 13.  I only read the chapter and I knew what God wanted me to say.  I spoke that day in front of family and friends with my momma behind me about how God had taught how to love by witnessing His faithfulness through the love my parents had, even up until my daddy's death.  And God gave us the greatest gift in seeing my daddy kiss my mom one last time.  Shortly afterwards, he took his last breath.

Fast forward 5 years and 5 months later to today, August 22, 2015.  I've spent the last 8 weeks learning about love, or rather, identifying the things that have come to block me from receiving love.  God had me on a whirlwind journey...meditating, praying, drawing, coloring, singing, dancing, sitting on the beach, just getting to the depths of myself so that He could open me up to receive His love.  I realized the one thing I wasn't doing all these years was actually allowing someone to love me, to be vulnerable, to need someone else. Hindsight is 20/20, so I see He put me right in the places where I would  need other people, where I would be reliant on people for shelter, for peace of mind, for unconditional love, specifically right now.  And as this is the last week of my course, God saw fit to gift wrap all this with a bow.  

Along this journey, I've pulled down strongholds and lies, given up my worries to God and left them in a box for Him to handle.  It began in 2011 with God taking away that intense anger I had by teaching me to forgive. But this process took me deeper and did a cleansing, repairing and healing work in my heart.  This week, before I could even speak it aloud, He answered some of those prayers. During this time, He helped me to feel, to breathe, to understand, to not feel judged, to not question myself, and to actually live.  I'm no longer consumed with getting married because I know it will happen.  I'm no longer afraid to get married, for fear of marrying the wrong person or failing at marriage because God has freed me from that fear.  I no longer fear making the wrong decisions because I know enough to take everything to God in prayer and to trust that the answer will come and be revealed in its due season.  I know enough that God did not give me these dreams I have in vain, because He knew He could trust me with them.  So this week, God answered countless prayers, but He answered one in a way I never imagined.

I woke up 4:35 on Thursday am.  I normally wake up to go the bathroom, but this time was different.  So I prayed in the Spirit and fell back asleep.  When I finally woke up, I literally wondered why God woke me up and went along my day.  By some bizarre occurrence, the power went out at work and knocked our internet off.  I went to the restroom and came back and was told to work from home.  I lingered for a moment and left.  I thought to go to Starbucks but instead came to my brothers.  I got there as my sister in law pulled up.  I came inside and sat downstairs.  My little brother got home shortly afterwards. Then I got a message from my mom...a video she found of my daddy playing with Parker.  This was from 2009...they used to keep Parker for me while I traveled for work.  I hadn't seen him really alive like that since then...because he began slipping away from us at the end of 2009.  It was raining, and I was supposed to see my friend to the airport so I couldn't leave.  God made sure I was in a safe place, around love, to see my daddy again, to cry and laugh.

As I think about this week, and well the last 8 weeks since I've been 30 and if I'm real, this entire year so far, God has gone above and beyond to love me.  Oh how He loves me, let me count the ways, lol...

Love is having me release the secret shame of being molested as a child and being able to minister to someone who experienced the same thing growing up immediately after.  Love is having me "make miracles" by being grateful for every feeling I experienced and basically getting out of His way for Him to do the heavy lifting and moving...I actually began this at the beginning of the year with my happiness jar and took it further with Project Miracles. Love is having me spend the days up to my 30th birthday acknowledging and sharing the lessons He taught me, with it culminating by my releasing 7 white balloons at the ocean.  Love is God answering the prayers I prayed the 40 days prior to my birthday in a way only He could.  Love is leading me to do 10 days vegan towards the end of those 21 days and me losing the weight I had been trying to lose the previous 4 months, even after not being able to work out due to doctor's orders.  Love is me going to Cancun and losing my phone and finding it after trusting His voice that I would, including having complete strangers and my linesisters help me look.  

Love is me sharing my testimony with people I know and strangers I don't via videos and in person and being okay with it.  Love is me acknowledging my feelings and letting go of someone I loved that didn't know my worth.  Love is me forgiving those who've hurt and betrayed me.  Love is empowering me to apologize to those I've hurt and restoring friendships.  Love is seeing God answer my prayers for my family before my eyes.  Love is my being told this week that I don't have to look for a job, should I decide to return to Atlanta, that they will find one for me.  Love is going to an event for my dream company and receiving yet another shot at possibly working there and an unexpected gift. 

Love is God manifesting everything I've prayed about by moving the mountains of bitterness in my heart.  Love is God having me in a place spiritually where the very ones who hurt me the worse are people I am willing to accept back into my life--not because of guilt, but because I am healed and I know that I'm a different person so they cannot treat me the same.  Love is recognizing the different people in your life and not forcing them to be more than they are.  Love is recognizing when seasons and relationships change and still wanting the best for those people. Love is being all of you with no apologies and loving it.

Love is my going to the kidney doctor last week and my kidney function and vitals being the highest they have ever been in the last nearly 10 years, probably longer...in that alone, He reminded me of my prayers and faith for complete healing and that He is healing me.  Love is my spending last weekend with my family and having the best time of my life, laughing and dancing at the wedding with my best friend, then Sunday getting soaked at Frankie's for my niece's 3rd birthday.  Love is seeing my niece's face light up over her birthday gifts.  Love is my baby niece running to me to hug me or giving me a kiss every time she sees me.  Love is the healing laughter we shared as a family on Sunday.  Love is God answering my mom's prayer to hear my daddy's voice again...and mine to see him again.  Love is knowing that God has positioned me to do just what He put in my heart to do.  Love is knowing I don't have to compromise at all, neither God's instructions to me nor my desires.  Love is manifested in answered prayer.  Love is God answering my childhood prayers for a sister with two particularly special women and a host of others.  Love is telling me its not too late to do those things I love.  Love is receiving wisdom and sharing it.  Love is taking your power back and recognizing it's not you but them. Love is accepting God's correction to make you better and knowing the difference between His correction and someone's criticism.  Love is having healthy boundaries.  Love is listening intently to just listen versus to respond or have the last word.  Love is being humble. Love is being open to receive Love however God chooses to send it.  Love is telling me to endure.  Love is knowing that this isn't even the half of what God has for me. Love is being alive and living outside of your box to see the abundance and limitlessness of God's love in all its splendor.

I've learned what love is not.  Love is not controlling things or attempting to control or manipulate people, hiding yourself, ignoring your feelings.   Love is not forcing your views on a person (1 Cor 13:5) or trying to make them change, but instead loving them as they are, even if they never change.  Love is seeing who they will be, and praying that God brings them forward, but loving them right where they are anyway.  Love is not rushing them to heal. Love is not holding on to frustrations with people but instead trusting them to the only person who can do something about them.  Love is not painful, but people can cause pain.  Love is not ugly, but when you look at it through the wrong lens, the picture in front of you can be distorted.  For so many years, for me love was distorted and painful.  Love was lonely.  Love hurt.  But thank God for new beginnings, healing, and restoration.

God has had me do so many things this last year...all appointed and directed by Him.  As I welcome in this next phase of life with a lighter load, and all that God has in store for me awaiting me, I finally know what it's like to let someone love me...to be in love with God.  Once I stopped living the lie and living in the light, my perspective changed.

I spent a long time looking for love in the wrong places. I'm grateful for the day I turned to God.  Love has changed me...healed me...freed me.  Love like this is beautiful and makes me look forward to the ways He chooses to reveal His love for me in the future...but if He does nothing else, He has already done so much.  I'm grateful for this journey and for how God has chosen to love me. I encourage you today to look at your life.  Measure it by 1 Corinthians 13.  Have you allowed God to show you what love really is?  Or have you been creating a picture of what you think love should be?  Anything less than what God has for you will always be unfulfilling.  Anything less than your divine purpose will leave you searching.  I'm glad that my story is my story.  Of course I would rather I had not gone through the things I've gone through, but God has used everything, so far, to bless me. It's so easy to give up when there is distorted love all around us.  Even in some of our homes...love has been tainted and tarnished.  I'm thankful today to know what love really is.  I encourage you to take the steps necessary to find out!

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13:7

You're Worth It

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.  Luke 12:7

So Sunday at church I had the sweetest experience.  It was Youth and Teens Day, where the youth and teens are responsible for leading the service and the worship experience.  And I don't know what it was, but I was truly overcome by the Spirit.  I truly believe it was because these children were worshipping the Lord from a pure heart, not seeking anything but just wanting to praise God.  They sang several songs I was familiar with so I was able to jump right into the experience.  

Then they sang this song, Worth, by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy that hit every part of my heart.  Here are the lyrics:

You thought I was worth saving

So you came and changed my life

You thought I was worth keeping

so you cleaned me up inside

You thought I was to die for

so you sacrificed your life

So I could be free

So I could be whole

So I could tell everyone I know

repeat chorus (3 times)

Hallelujah

Glory to God who changed my life

Forever

Because I am free

Because I am whole

And I will tell everyone I know

Repeat

You thought I was worth saving

So you came and changed my life

You thought I worth keeping

So you cleaned me up inside

You thought I was to die for

You sacrificed your life

So I can be free

End

This song expressed every feeling I've had lately about how much God loves me.  He loved me enough to lead me to let go of people, disconnecting from some altogether and others to be repositioned into their proper circles and spheres.  He loved me enough to teach me my worth, in His eyes.  He loved me enough to heal me...to restore my kidney function (claiming it, already made progress), to heal me from childhood wounds, to empower me to be bold, and to allow me to live in the light.  He restored me and brought me back to life.  So as they sung, these were little kids and teenagers singing this song, God reminded me to have the heart of a child in my approach to Him and His throne.  He reminded me that I needed to be open and willing to receive with a pure heart and with innocence.  Before now I couldn't do that.  I needed to remember that God loves me unconditionally without pretenses, like a child does his mother and a mother does her child.  I needed to know that God favors me with an everlasting love and wants to see me become all that He has planned for me to be.  I needed to move beyond limitations and into freedom...being free enough to come to Him as a child!  Little kids don't care about what people think, they just laugh, dance, shout, play and be free in that innocence.  

Maybe you need to know you're worth it too.  You are worth saving, loving, healing, redeeming, restoring, and renewing.  You are worth separating from that unhealthy situation, you are worth changing how you see yourself, you are worth being renewed.  You are worth it.  I encourage you to listen to the song, but I wish you could have heard the children sing it.  God loves you with all of Himself. He created you for Himself, and gave His only son for you to live!  So live today!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!  Matthew 7:11